Stickin' It to the Man

Every so often, I come across a group of people who make me proud to be a human. My friend Alex told me about this site. It features this organization (in the loosest sense of the word) named "Improv Everywhere." Apparently, they gather small groups of people and perform guerilla improv in highly inappropriate places.

On this one, they got 80 people to dress up in blue shirts and khaki pants. These people then wandered into a Best Buy store, where they wandered around randomly helping strangers. This, of course, completely wigged out the store staff, who were convinced that the group was planning a heist, a la The Thomas Crown Affair, protesting something or other, or showing their allegiance to a religious cult.


What really interests me is the incredibly negative spin that the Best Buy management put on the whole thing. Granted, this store was located in New York City, and store managers in urban centers can benefit from a little paranoia. However, the managers' inability to look beyond their narrow conclustions, even when it became clear that the improv people were there to have fun, ended up creating some real problems. There's a point where paranoia becomes its own punishment, and these pinheads seemed to tromp right past that line.

On this one, they synchronized the ringers on a whole bunch of phones, turned them in to the bag check at the Strand, a huge bookstore in New York, and then proceeded to call the phones in certain patterns. Ultimately, it yielded a cellphone "symphony" that amused many of the employees and customers, but caused a manager to go ballistic.

I think that what I love about this group is the beauty that they bring into the world, combined with the fact that this beauty, in turn, becomes a Rohrshak test for its audience.

Opening a Jesus Franchise

Warning: this post contains discussions of a religious nature. It touches on issues of faith and advocates the condemning of certain people to eternal Heck. Moreover, it also offers an opinion regarding the perspectives of the Almighty Whoosawhatsit, whatever His/Her/Its name may be. If this is not interesting to you, or if you feel uncomfortable with such a discussion, please feel free to click here to visit a less controversial site. Thank you and good day.


I have a confession to make: I admit that this is a little sick, but I really like it when people try to cash in on Jesus Christ. Part of this is because I'm amazed at the level of creativity that this inspires, and part of it is the fact that (in my opinion, at least) these guys are going to end up horking demon dick in the bitter flames of eternal perdition.


Wow, I sound a lot like Jonathan Edwards there. Let me rephrase. First off, I have a sneaking suspicion that God has a great sense of humor. Regardless of whether you pray to Jesus, Allah, JHVH, Buddha, Manon, or L. Ron Hubbard, you have to admit that God loves a joke as much, or more than, the next deity. From Platapi (Platapuseses) to Avacados to Rod McKuen's career, to the enduring popularity of Jeff Koons, there is endless evidence that God pretty much keeps the world around for shits and giggles. With that in mind, I like to think that Kevin Smith's Buddy Christ and South Park's Jesus character give the everlasting a nice hearty chuckle or two.

That having been said, I'm not so sure that God, whatever form It happens to take, really enjoys it when people try to make a buck off sincere manipulations of Its image (or images). In other words, I'm pretty sure that somebody is going to have to answer for the overpriced gift shop in St. Patrick's cathederal (185 bucks for a rosary! Are you fucking kidding me?!?). I also have a feeling that all the people who create commercials, billboards, and other coercive properties in Jesus' name will be facing some fun times in the afterlife. I visualize them sitting around the campfire with Osama Bin Laden, Amy Semple MacPherson, and other false prophets, smelling the stench of their own burning flesh and trading stories of cashing in on the Almighty. Good times.


One of my favorite Jesus selling sites is Sporty Christ. Okay, apart from the fact that "Sporty Christ" sounds like a new Speed Stick deodorant scent, it's pretty catchy. Added to this is the fact that the statues on this site are so soul-crushingly sincere that you have to wonder about the poor little tykes who keep them in their rooms. In all likelihood, most of the recipients of these statues probably hide them, throw them away, or blow them up with M-80s, but there's a small percentage that keeps the figurines on the dresser, where Football Jesus can inspire them all day. I just wonder about the internal dialogue that little Billy has as he goes into a game. Is it a humble soul-baring self-interrogation in which he determines his worthiness to play, or does he ask God's help in tearing off the motherf@#%ing head of the opposing quarterback?


Another one of my favorites is The Biblical Action Figures Collection. I love this one. Who needs to fiddle around with Superman and Darth Vader when you can give Job boils or recreate David kicking the shit out of (excuse me, "righteously smiting") Goliath. Best of all, the size of these toys can make you feel like God. After all, who else has the option of pushing all of humanity around like pawns on a chessboard?

I mean, apart from George Bush.

Two More Profoundly Disturbing Sites

The first site, Life Gems is kind of nice. Apparently, Life Gems can take the carbon of your loved one and turn it into a beautiful diamond, a keepsake that you will remember forever. Of course, your loved one has to be dead first.

And, well, cremated.



The creepy thing is when you imagine Great Aunt Carol, a partially-completed tennis bracelet dangling from her wrist, pinching your cheek and saying "we need to fatten you up."



The second site, Man Beef, is a spoof that was taken off the web. However, I actually believed it for a while. It was so intricate, so beautifully explained that it sucked me in.

Once I realized that it was a joke, part of me tried to figure out how to make it a reality. Come on--is it really any worse than cremating your mom and wearing her around your neck?

Two of the Most Disturbing Sites I've Ever Seen...

...Are rated G.

The first is Rolling to Recovery's Colossal Colon. Now, I know how important colon cancer awareness is. In fact, I drink psyllium seed every day to protect myself against the scourge. However, I'm not sure that a gigantic section of intestine is the way to go. Still, there it is. As the sponsors note on their website, "Visitors who crawl through the Colossal Colon will see examples of many colon diseases, including Crohn's disease, diverticulosis, ulcerative colitis, hemorrhoids, cancerous and non-cancerous polyps, and various stages of colon cancer. Actual colonoscopy footage was used to ensure that the Colossal Colon was as realistic as possible."

Well, as this picture shows, it's pretty realistic, although I can't help but think of the lyrics to "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds":

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
Towering over your head.



The second most disturbing site I've ever seen involves a really tall guy who dresses like Peter Pan. I generally try to avoid making fun of people (really, I do!), but Randy Constan's Peter Pan Page is extremely upsetting. Listen to the version of "I Don't Wanna Grow Up" that sounds like it was arranged by the villain in Saw. Cringe at the humiliating images that Randy has posted. Gaze into his soulless eyes. Try not to stare at his penis.

Feel the pain.

Some Fun Things to Check Out

Okay, I'm sure that everybody already knows about Strong Bad, but if you don't, be sure to check in on him. My favorite is still the Strongbad Dragon drawing lesson.

A lesser-known site is Rather Good, although, again, most of you are probably already familiar with it. Even if you've never heard of it, you may have seen the Spongmonkeys, who shilled for Quiznos. Their debut song, We Like the Moon is available on this site.

Anyway, Rathergood is bizarre, coarse, yet very innocent. I like to imagine that it was put together by the insane half-brother of Strongbad's creator, who spends all his time in a cage in the basement. Some of my favorites on the site are the Kafka-cum-MTV A Frightened Boy, the trippy Mark Llama, the twisted humor of Mr. Stabby, the fast humor of Pandas, and the charming filth of the Naughty Hedgehogs. Don't stop with these, though! Wander around the site and see what other tidbits you can retrieve from the sick mind of Joel Veitch.

Have fun!

Dancing on the Grave of Political Correctness

This is another one of those sites that will piss everybody off. Black People Love Us features "Sally" and "Johnny," an insanely earnest white couple, who are proud to be friends with a lot of black people. It's a wonderful bit of satire that is so sweetly conceived that it seems almost legitimate.

Almost.

Be sure to check out the testimonials!

Keeping America the Strongerest Country in the World

If you haven't visited Whitehouse.org, the parody White House website, you have to give it a look. You should particularly check out the patriotic posters section. Pure genius!



About three years ago, Whitehouse.org got into a little kerfuffle with Dick Cheney over their claim that his wife was a former "crystal meth pusher" who loved "licking Brandy Alexanders off his hirsute belly" among other unmentionables. At any rate, Dick didn't find it particularly funny, so he threatened them with a lawsuit. The whole story's here.

If you've ever wondered what would happen if Jonathan Swift was alive today, here's your answer.