Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Opening a Jesus Franchise

Warning: this post contains discussions of a religious nature. It touches on issues of faith and advocates the condemning of certain people to eternal Heck. Moreover, it also offers an opinion regarding the perspectives of the Almighty Whoosawhatsit, whatever His/Her/Its name may be. If this is not interesting to you, or if you feel uncomfortable with such a discussion, please feel free to click here to visit a less controversial site. Thank you and good day.

I have a confession to make: I admit that this is a little sick, but I really like it when people try to cash in on Jesus Christ. Part of this is because I'm amazed at the level of creativity that this inspires, and part of it is the fact that (in my opinion, at least) these guys are going to end up horking demon dick in the bitter flames of eternal perdition.

Wow, I sound a lot like Jonathan Edwards there. Let me rephrase. First off, I have a sneaking suspicion that God has a great sense of humor. Regardless of whether you pray to Jesus, Allah, JHVH, Buddha, Manon, or L. Ron Hubbard, you have to admit that God loves a joke as much, or more than, the next deity. From Platapi (Platapuseses) to Avacados to Rod McKuen's career, to the enduring popularity of Jeff Koons, there is endless evidence that God pretty much keeps the world around for shits and giggles. With that in mind, I like to think that Kevin Smith's Buddy Christ and South Park's Jesus character give the everlasting a nice hearty chuckle or two.

That having been said, I'm not so sure that God, whatever form It happens to take, really enjoys it when people try to make a buck off sincere manipulations of Its image (or images). In other words, I'm pretty sure that somebody is going to have to answer for the overpriced gift shop in St. Patrick's cathederal (185 bucks for a rosary! Are you fucking kidding me?!?). I also have a feeling that all the people who create commercials, billboards, and other coercive properties in Jesus' name will be facing some fun times in the afterlife. I visualize them sitting around the campfire with Osama Bin Laden, Amy Semple MacPherson, and other false prophets, smelling the stench of their own burning flesh and trading stories of cashing in on the Almighty. Good times.

One of my favorite Jesus selling sites is Sporty Christ. Okay, apart from the fact that "Sporty Christ" sounds like a new Speed Stick deodorant scent, it's pretty catchy. Added to this is the fact that the statues on this site are so soul-crushingly sincere that you have to wonder about the poor little tykes who keep them in their rooms. In all likelihood, most of the recipients of these statues probably hide them, throw them away, or blow them up with M-80s, but there's a small percentage that keeps the figurines on the dresser, where Football Jesus can inspire them all day. I just wonder about the internal dialogue that little Billy has as he goes into a game. Is it a humble soul-baring self-interrogation in which he determines his worthiness to play, or does he ask God's help in tearing off the motherf@#%ing head of the opposing quarterback?

Another one of my favorites is The Biblical Action Figures Collection. I love this one. Who needs to fiddle around with Superman and Darth Vader when you can give Job boils or recreate David kicking the shit out of (excuse me, "righteously smiting") Goliath. Best of all, the size of these toys can make you feel like God. After all, who else has the option of pushing all of humanity around like pawns on a chessboard?

I mean, apart from George Bush.

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  • WWJD?

    Cash in. ;)


    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 22, 2006 at 7:43 PM  

  • I Just love the "happier, friendlier" version of the J-man from Dogma. All Time Fave movie. Can't EVER turn it off.
    The premise of the movie makes me smile like that statue!

    One good perk about not actually buying into the crap: not horking Demon dick.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 22, 2006 at 10:51 PM  

  • Steve-
    I think He'd probably just go for a Klondike bar.

    Yeah, you definitely want to avoid horking the double-pronged dicks of demons.

    Have a great Thanksgiving!

    By Blogger Crankster, At November 22, 2006 at 11:42 PM  

  • See, I knew if I waited someone would say something really smart that I could agree with so I could chump out here. I mean, not being a Christian, and the horking double-pronged demon dicks. Therefore, my official position has to be, I concur with Mr. Novak, and Ms. Olives, doubled, and redoubled, pass, pass, pass.

    Now, where do I get the Klondike bar, please?

    And Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours and your blog, if that's allowed.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 23, 2006 at 12:36 AM  

  • Every day, I find myself in situations where I wonder What Would Jeff Koons Do?

    By Blogger mist1, At November 23, 2006 at 12:37 AM  

  • I think Jesus dropping bunker-busters in Torabora from B52s would be a hit too! Or TV ads that say, "Microsoft Office 2007, even Jesus uses it!"

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 23, 2006 at 1:39 AM  

  • oops! that anon guy is me(Ramo) who forgot to login.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 23, 2006 at 1:41 AM  

  • Oh. And here I thought WWJD was Who Wants Jelly Donuts?

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 23, 2006 at 6:56 AM  

  • Sporty Christ? Are they kidding? The Spice Girls better be getting a cut on the royalties there!! hahah...Definitely love Dogma..what a great movie

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 23, 2006 at 11:21 AM  

  • CEO-
    Everyone seems to be focusing on the demon dick horking. What, like that's weird?

    Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!

    Jeff would puke on a plate, make a thousand copies of it, and sell each for $800.

    Good to hear from you again. And you're right--we need to get Jesus in some ads.

    You kick ass. Happy Thanksgiving!

    Right there with you. Don't you think the time has come for a Posh Christ?

    By Blogger Crankster, At November 23, 2006 at 11:50 AM  

  • Hmmm, I've been thinking about a 'Puss' franchise. I think I'd make a great figurine.


    By Blogger Glamourpuss, At November 23, 2006 at 4:10 PM  

  • Yknow if you questioned St Pats about the price mark up on those rosarys you would get the same answer you get in every parish here in ireland which is 'heating bills'. The priests live very well over here in fact in my parents parish the priest there shops at a gourmet supermarket small wonder pope John Paul the first was 'taken care of' when he wanted to return the church to 'the church of the poor' the priests pallettes would not be able to take to miracle whip (pardon the pun) and meatloaf night after all the sturgeon and truffles the sky pilots have ingested..

    I think the image jesus has always been workin is the New Christian metal look

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 23, 2006 at 4:45 PM  

  • BTW Happy thanksgiving to you all

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 23, 2006 at 5:02 PM  

  • If Puss opens a franchise, I want the action figure!

    And it's hard to play three handed bridge with all that horking demon dick around. breaks my concentration and start thinking of I'm about to become somebody's gemstone or man beef. Douchitudeinussness n'shit. Know what I mean?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 23, 2006 at 10:15 PM  

  • Puss-
    You going to stop at action figures, or are you working towards a "Glamourpuss Pole Dance Action Set?"

    Thanks! So many of my childhood memories involve selling raffle tickets to build a priests' residence or expand the church. Vow of poverty, my ass!

    Have I thrown too much weirdness at you this week?

    By Blogger Crankster, At November 24, 2006 at 12:26 AM  

  • Actually, I was thinking of developing a whole superhero routine - cute costume, superpowers (she can hang upside down from a toe), and my weapon of choice; a super retracting pole to hit people with before erecting and throwing a few tricks around it. I would want my own spin-off TV show, of course, preferably not on pay-per-view...


    By Blogger Glamourpuss, At November 24, 2006 at 7:13 AM  

  • They could sell the Jesus one or buy the whole set!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 24, 2006 at 11:30 AM  

  • Puss-
    Not to mention the Saturday morning cartoon, of course!

    I have a feeling it's in the works.

    By Blogger Crankster, At November 24, 2006 at 1:40 PM  

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