Jesus is with you. Always.

NB: clicking on these pictures makes them a lot larger. Seriously, it's worth it.

Jesus is with you. Always.

Somehow, that doesn't seem too reassuring. Somehow, that seems like a curse.

Jerking off in the bathroom? Jesus is with you. Always.

Hooking up with a two dollar prostitute in St. Louis? Jesus is with you. Always.

Freebasing in a fetid back alley somewhere? Yup, He's there, too. Jesus is with you. Always.

Anyway, what brings this to mind is this website, which somehow manages to make the son of God both insipid and creepy. The artist is Larry Van Pelt. Yes, I know, "Van Pelt" is also Linus's last name. No, I don't think they're related.

At any rate, Larry, aka "Linus' creepy uncle," is an ex-Air Force pilot who has become an artist in his retirement. And, of course, he feels the need to draw Jesus. Larry's Jesuses show up everywhere, helping everybody. Here's his version of Jesus with a welder:


I think the caption should be "Not bad, Jimmy, but you need a little more solder." Seriously, I'm a little unnerved by the idea of a welder who relies on Jesus. I'd prefer to have one who relies on experience and training. I know--I'm a nutjob.

In the same vein, here's Jesus with a dental assistant:


I'm a fairly big fan of Jesus, but I'd prefer that he stay the hell away from the dentist's office when I'm there. There are two big reasons for this. First off, the dentist's office ranks right up there with Boston traffic in terms of things that are inclined to make me take Jesus' name in vain. Second, I'd prefer that the dental hygeinist kept her mind on cleaning my teeth, not on the son of God. Maybe I'm a little too much of a worrywart, but she's poking around my mouth with sharp things; I'd rather she wasn't thinking of the rapture.

Here's Jesus with a bodybuilder:


You know, Jesus is looking a little chubby. Maybe he needs to take a few crunches. Or walk his ass around the block a couple of times. Crucifixion and celibacy is no excuse for letting yourself go. While we're on the topic, Jesus is also a little too white.

Last but not least, here's Jesus with a soldier:


I don't know about you, but somehow, I don't find that one too reassuring. I can just hear Jesus talking to the young man about to go into battle: "Don't worry, Slugger. I'm on your side. I'll help you get lots of civilian casualties."

On the other hand, it's nice to get a glimpse into Dubya's subconscious.

Opening a Jesus Franchise

Warning: this post contains discussions of a religious nature. It touches on issues of faith and advocates the condemning of certain people to eternal Heck. Moreover, it also offers an opinion regarding the perspectives of the Almighty Whoosawhatsit, whatever His/Her/Its name may be. If this is not interesting to you, or if you feel uncomfortable with such a discussion, please feel free to click here to visit a less controversial site. Thank you and good day.


I have a confession to make: I admit that this is a little sick, but I really like it when people try to cash in on Jesus Christ. Part of this is because I'm amazed at the level of creativity that this inspires, and part of it is the fact that (in my opinion, at least) these guys are going to end up horking demon dick in the bitter flames of eternal perdition.


Wow, I sound a lot like Jonathan Edwards there. Let me rephrase. First off, I have a sneaking suspicion that God has a great sense of humor. Regardless of whether you pray to Jesus, Allah, JHVH, Buddha, Manon, or L. Ron Hubbard, you have to admit that God loves a joke as much, or more than, the next deity. From Platapi (Platapuseses) to Avacados to Rod McKuen's career, to the enduring popularity of Jeff Koons, there is endless evidence that God pretty much keeps the world around for shits and giggles. With that in mind, I like to think that Kevin Smith's Buddy Christ and South Park's Jesus character give the everlasting a nice hearty chuckle or two.

That having been said, I'm not so sure that God, whatever form It happens to take, really enjoys it when people try to make a buck off sincere manipulations of Its image (or images). In other words, I'm pretty sure that somebody is going to have to answer for the overpriced gift shop in St. Patrick's cathederal (185 bucks for a rosary! Are you fucking kidding me?!?). I also have a feeling that all the people who create commercials, billboards, and other coercive properties in Jesus' name will be facing some fun times in the afterlife. I visualize them sitting around the campfire with Osama Bin Laden, Amy Semple MacPherson, and other false prophets, smelling the stench of their own burning flesh and trading stories of cashing in on the Almighty. Good times.


One of my favorite Jesus selling sites is Sporty Christ. Okay, apart from the fact that "Sporty Christ" sounds like a new Speed Stick deodorant scent, it's pretty catchy. Added to this is the fact that the statues on this site are so soul-crushingly sincere that you have to wonder about the poor little tykes who keep them in their rooms. In all likelihood, most of the recipients of these statues probably hide them, throw them away, or blow them up with M-80s, but there's a small percentage that keeps the figurines on the dresser, where Football Jesus can inspire them all day. I just wonder about the internal dialogue that little Billy has as he goes into a game. Is it a humble soul-baring self-interrogation in which he determines his worthiness to play, or does he ask God's help in tearing off the motherf@#%ing head of the opposing quarterback?


Another one of my favorites is The Biblical Action Figures Collection. I love this one. Who needs to fiddle around with Superman and Darth Vader when you can give Job boils or recreate David kicking the shit out of (excuse me, "righteously smiting") Goliath. Best of all, the size of these toys can make you feel like God. After all, who else has the option of pushing all of humanity around like pawns on a chessboard?

I mean, apart from George Bush.