Jesus is with you. Always.

NB: clicking on these pictures makes them a lot larger. Seriously, it's worth it.

Jesus is with you. Always.

Somehow, that doesn't seem too reassuring. Somehow, that seems like a curse.

Jerking off in the bathroom? Jesus is with you. Always.

Hooking up with a two dollar prostitute in St. Louis? Jesus is with you. Always.

Freebasing in a fetid back alley somewhere? Yup, He's there, too. Jesus is with you. Always.

Anyway, what brings this to mind is this website, which somehow manages to make the son of God both insipid and creepy. The artist is Larry Van Pelt. Yes, I know, "Van Pelt" is also Linus's last name. No, I don't think they're related.

At any rate, Larry, aka "Linus' creepy uncle," is an ex-Air Force pilot who has become an artist in his retirement. And, of course, he feels the need to draw Jesus. Larry's Jesuses show up everywhere, helping everybody. Here's his version of Jesus with a welder:


I think the caption should be "Not bad, Jimmy, but you need a little more solder." Seriously, I'm a little unnerved by the idea of a welder who relies on Jesus. I'd prefer to have one who relies on experience and training. I know--I'm a nutjob.

In the same vein, here's Jesus with a dental assistant:


I'm a fairly big fan of Jesus, but I'd prefer that he stay the hell away from the dentist's office when I'm there. There are two big reasons for this. First off, the dentist's office ranks right up there with Boston traffic in terms of things that are inclined to make me take Jesus' name in vain. Second, I'd prefer that the dental hygeinist kept her mind on cleaning my teeth, not on the son of God. Maybe I'm a little too much of a worrywart, but she's poking around my mouth with sharp things; I'd rather she wasn't thinking of the rapture.

Here's Jesus with a bodybuilder:


You know, Jesus is looking a little chubby. Maybe he needs to take a few crunches. Or walk his ass around the block a couple of times. Crucifixion and celibacy is no excuse for letting yourself go. While we're on the topic, Jesus is also a little too white.

Last but not least, here's Jesus with a soldier:


I don't know about you, but somehow, I don't find that one too reassuring. I can just hear Jesus talking to the young man about to go into battle: "Don't worry, Slugger. I'm on your side. I'll help you get lots of civilian casualties."

On the other hand, it's nice to get a glimpse into Dubya's subconscious.