Friday, December 15, 2006

Jesus is with you. Always.

NB: clicking on these pictures makes them a lot larger. Seriously, it's worth it.

Jesus is with you. Always.

Somehow, that doesn't seem too reassuring. Somehow, that seems like a curse.

Jerking off in the bathroom? Jesus is with you. Always.

Hooking up with a two dollar prostitute in St. Louis? Jesus is with you. Always.

Freebasing in a fetid back alley somewhere? Yup, He's there, too. Jesus is with you. Always.

Anyway, what brings this to mind is this website, which somehow manages to make the son of God both insipid and creepy. The artist is Larry Van Pelt. Yes, I know, "Van Pelt" is also Linus's last name. No, I don't think they're related.

At any rate, Larry, aka "Linus' creepy uncle," is an ex-Air Force pilot who has become an artist in his retirement. And, of course, he feels the need to draw Jesus. Larry's Jesuses show up everywhere, helping everybody. Here's his version of Jesus with a welder:

I think the caption should be "Not bad, Jimmy, but you need a little more solder." Seriously, I'm a little unnerved by the idea of a welder who relies on Jesus. I'd prefer to have one who relies on experience and training. I know--I'm a nutjob.

In the same vein, here's Jesus with a dental assistant:

I'm a fairly big fan of Jesus, but I'd prefer that he stay the hell away from the dentist's office when I'm there. There are two big reasons for this. First off, the dentist's office ranks right up there with Boston traffic in terms of things that are inclined to make me take Jesus' name in vain. Second, I'd prefer that the dental hygeinist kept her mind on cleaning my teeth, not on the son of God. Maybe I'm a little too much of a worrywart, but she's poking around my mouth with sharp things; I'd rather she wasn't thinking of the rapture.

Here's Jesus with a bodybuilder:

You know, Jesus is looking a little chubby. Maybe he needs to take a few crunches. Or walk his ass around the block a couple of times. Crucifixion and celibacy is no excuse for letting yourself go. While we're on the topic, Jesus is also a little too white.

Last but not least, here's Jesus with a soldier:

I don't know about you, but somehow, I don't find that one too reassuring. I can just hear Jesus talking to the young man about to go into battle: "Don't worry, Slugger. I'm on your side. I'll help you get lots of civilian casualties."

On the other hand, it's nice to get a glimpse into Dubya's subconscious.

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  • Dear Jesus, Please Stop All War.
    Thank You

    By Blogger The CEO, At December 15, 2006 at 11:04 PM  

  • Can't hurt to hedge your bets, can it?

    By Blogger The CEO, At December 15, 2006 at 11:04 PM  


    Thanks for the belly laugh at the comment you left over on my blog. Michael is just one mug giant asshole ain't he?

    Welcome back! Missed you. Oh was that too gay?

    By Blogger Lee, At December 15, 2006 at 11:14 PM  

  • Why the hell is Jesus smiling at the guy getting his teeth yanked out? Does he take comfort in torture? And his hair in that...very Tom Cruise like. I'm scared.

    By Blogger Nihilistic, At December 15, 2006 at 11:57 PM  

  • Scary. Just awfully scary.

    Has it been established that Dubyah HAS a subconscious, then? I don't think his brain is big enough for that and the conscious, too.

    By Blogger heartinsanfrancisco, At December 16, 2006 at 12:07 AM  

  • Wow. Kind of creepy and weird and funny, all at the same time. Conan O'Brien could turn these into quite the latenight "bit."

    By Blogger Jocelyn, At December 16, 2006 at 12:25 AM  

  • The church that I attended in my youth had an oversized painting of a blond haired, blue-eyed Jesus with a little upturned nose. Apparently, the Vikings plundered the holy land, I never would have guessed.

    By Blogger slaghammer, At December 16, 2006 at 2:52 AM  

  • My inaugural address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions!
    Read My Inaugural Address
    My Site=

    By Blogger Secret Rapture, At December 16, 2006 at 6:04 AM  

  • Crap!!! How about Jesus with the performance artist that does shit (literally) paintings? What about Jesus with the proctologist? OR Jesus with the Gynecologist? Or Jesus with the peeping Tom. Do you suppose mr. van pelt takes custom orders? Or do you think he draws only the jobs he thinks Jesus would like?

    By Blogger Pickled Olives, At December 16, 2006 at 8:15 AM  

  • CEO-
    I'm all about hedging the bets. But I think this crap makes Jesus laugh.

    Thanks! No, not too gay.

    You got the Tom Cruise vibe, too? Weird.

    This is the part that spills out of his mouth when he's not paying attention. Don't misunderestimate him.

    Very good point. I can definitely see a Conan O'Brien bit built around this.

    By the way, thanks for dropping in!

    In my church, it was a sculpture, so we couldn't tell for sure. Also, Jesus had a pretty sizeable shnozz, suggesting some Semitic heritage.

    Right there with you. I'm imagining Jesus holding the porno mag with the guy on the toilet, tapping the vein of the guy shooting up, etc.

    I mean, if he's there anyway, and isn't doing anything...

    What is it about cheesy pseudo-religious art that makes me dive straight into my inner heretic?

    By Blogger Crankster, At December 16, 2006 at 9:57 AM  

  • Oh Jesus!! This is scary stuff...Like you say, I don't want him around during certain "stuff".....and like heart said, don't give too much credit to Dubya's subconscious.

    By Blogger Odat, At December 16, 2006 at 10:26 AM  

  • What cracks me up is that on several of these, he's got his hand on their arm...what if he gives 'em just a little push...ooops! here, let's do it again...especially with the wire? push..ZAP! ehehe...that Jesus is such a prankster!

    By Blogger Claudia, At December 16, 2006 at 12:34 PM  

  • Odat-
    You and Hearts are probably right. Still...

    Wacky, silly Jesus! Just like that funny Nazi in Marathon Man!

    By Blogger Crankster, At December 16, 2006 at 1:47 PM  

  • It took me sometime initially to get over the thoughts that God was watching me in bathroom during those shake sessions.

    By Blogger ramo, At December 16, 2006 at 5:03 PM  

  • A $2 prostitute? WHERE are you shopping?!

    (I have a Hindu buddy who believes that Jesus is one of those rare individuals to have achieved divinity on Earth, though he wasn't born divine, he says. I say Jesus had excellent luck with viral marketing.)

    By Blogger Matt, At December 16, 2006 at 5:05 PM  

  • I can't wait for the Rapture. We're gonna lose all these dorks.

    By Blogger Matt, At December 16, 2006 at 5:06 PM  

  • Ramo-
    I had the same problem. Then I realized that I categorically refused to believe in a god who was so perverted that he felt obliged to watch me whack off.

    "Shake sessions?" Too perfect!

    If you want a really cheap prostitute, you just need to look for the telltale gaze of desperation.

    Viral marketing. And a nepotistic frontman.

    By Blogger Crankster, At December 16, 2006 at 10:09 PM  

  • Matt,

    Or just buy a bucket of Natty light in a bar popular with sorority chicks....

    By Blogger misanthropster, At December 16, 2006 at 11:33 PM  

  • Ok, I know I'm European but all those pictures look so homoerotic to me - especially the weightlifting one - I never had Jesus down as a muscle queen...


    By Blogger Glamourpuss, At December 24, 2006 at 10:10 AM  

  • oh my god. (i mean jesus. "jesus" would be appropriate here.)

    i have to share this with others. hehehe ^^

    By Blogger Serena, At December 27, 2006 at 6:00 PM  

  • Puss-
    Right there with you. I especially like how Jesus is groping everyone.

    I had exactly the same impulse!

    By Blogger Crankster, At December 28, 2006 at 12:24 PM  

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