Crankster

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

doosh-i-tood-i-nuss-ness

Word of the Day:

The word of the day is douche. To demonstrate the multiple permutations of this word, we have our special guests: Patrick Dempsey



And Ellen Pompeo:

We will be using an advertising campaign from New York & Co., a mall-based retailer of mid-level clothing.

Let's start with our basic word:

douche  [doosh] Noun
1. A jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes.
2. The application of such a jet.
3. An instrument, as a syringe, for administering it.
4. A bath administered by such a jet.
5. An unfortunate or irritating fellow. See also tool, shmuck, shmendrick, nimrod.

In this picture, Patrick Dempsey is acting like a total douche:

In this context, the term douche references the fact that Mr. Dempsey appears to be dreaming of a previous romantic encounter with Carlos, his rough-trade boyfriend. In the process, he is completely ignoring the fetching Ms. Pompeo, behind whom he is hovering. While we might agree that Ms. Pompeo is disturbingly thin and has an excessively excited expression, there really is no excuse for Mr. Dempsey's unattentiveness. In fact, even were Ms. Pompeo as lobotomized as she appears in this photo, Mr. Dempsey's behavior would still be beyond the pale. Clearly, Mr. Dempsey needs to explain to Ms. Pompeo that he is feeling conflicted about his desires, and is only using her for window dressing. And, besides, it's only fair--Carlos has feelings, too.


First major variant: douchitude

douchitude [doosh-uh-tood] Noun
1. The quality or condition of being a douche.
2. The quality or condition of acting like a douche.
3. A hair-hygrometer based tool that measures the specific gravity of a douchebag, or douche delivery system (obs.).

In this picture, Patrick Dempsey is displaying an almost immeasurable amount of douchitude:


In this sentence, the word douchitude references the fact that Mr. Dempsey, who initially ignored Ms. Pompeo, is now threatening her. Although she seems to be enjoying herself, a closer look reveals that her eyes are, in fact, filled with barely-concealed terror. Mr. Dempsey has, apparently, told her to smile for the bank's camera, and threatened dire consequences if she refuses. Perhaps he felt driven to this extreme course of action by his repressed desires; perhaps he has merely been overwhelmed by Ms. Pompeo's incessant and meaningless chattering. Regardless, he has clearly gone over the edge.

(In a related note, one wonders why New York & Co. thought that this advertising campaign would work.)


Second major variant: douchitudinous

douchitudinous [doosh-uh-tood-i-nuss] Adjective
1. Of or related to a douche.
2. The quality or condition of being of or related to a douche.
3. A Pleistocene-era herbivore that frequented low-lying boggy areas (obs.).

In this picture, Ms. Pompeo looks particularly douchitudinous:



In this context, the word douchitudinous refers to the ridiculousness of Ms. Pompeo's pose. Whether she is draped across Mr. Dempsey because she is exhausted, strung-out, or is pretending to be a breakfast tray, she looks idiotic. Furthermore, given that they are arranged on a fainting-couch, which offers no back support, she is threatening Mr. Dempsey with potential spinal injuries. Recognizing his danger, he is clutching the edge of the couch with what can only be described as a death-grip. From the expression on his face, it is clear that Mr. Dempsey has just realized that he was a total douche for agreeing to put up with this nonsense in the first place.


Final major variant: douchitudinousness

douchitudinousness [doosh-uh-tood-i-nuss-ness] Noun
This is not, in fact, a real word. However, if it were, it might describe the pure idiocy of this image:


It is hard to quantify the douchitudinousness of this picture. This is not because there is a paucity of douchitudinousness, but rather because the extreme quantity of it renders the picture a veritable "Where's Waldo" of weak-chinned, cross-eyed, drooling idiocy; frankly, if this photo were a person, it's parents would be siblings. First, there is Ms. Pompeo's jacket, which seems to be a gilded refugee from the mid-1980's. Second, there is the pose. Is Mr. Dempsey cradling Ms. Pompeo's belly because she was recently shot? Is he feeling the baby kicking inside her? If the latter is the case, it would go a long way toward explaining her ecstatic expression; after months of puncturing condoms and feeding him powdered rhino horn, she has finally entrapped him with a pregnancy. This would also explain the longing, distant expression on his face--he knows that it's over with Carlos.

A more likely interpretation, however, is that Ms. Pompeo recently broke wind. She's clearly proud of herself and the unholy vapors that she is capable of producing. Mr. Dempsey, on the other hand, is concentrating on not tossing his cookies. As are we all.

Next Week's Word: Soulless

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18 Comments:

  • I like it, the word of the week. I'm adding this one to my vocabulary.

    By Anonymous Just D, At November 1, 2006 at 1:45 PM  

  • I think that in pix 1,3, and 4, Mr. Dempsey is surreptitously rubbing his boner against her backside. In pic 2, it's obvious he's tryin to get her hand back there for extra friction.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 1, 2006 at 1:59 PM  

  • Well, I'm going to have to agree with you....course, I may be using the new word.

    By Anonymous Drib, At November 1, 2006 at 2:11 PM  

  • Just D-
    Thanks for joining in on the new word. Grammatically correct or not, it's just so much fun to say!

    Lee-
    You have a point--perhaps my interpretation is off. Perhaps he is frotternizing with Pompeo?

    Drib-
    Spread the word far and wide. Let's see how many people we can convince to use it! Good to see you again!

    By Blogger Crankster, At November 1, 2006 at 5:39 PM  

  • oh boy, new vocabulary to add to my already stolen arsenal! It took me a moment but, yes, Patrick Dempsey is definitely holding on for dear life with his actors smile in pic 3.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 1, 2006 at 9:30 PM  

  • Pickled Olives-
    You know, you always imagine that an actor's life is so pampered, so wonderful. Then you see Patrick Dempsey trying to smile while clutching a couch as Ellen Pompeo rearranges her bony ass on his lap.

    And all is right with the world.

    By Blogger Crankster, At November 2, 2006 at 12:37 AM  

  • Oh God, your photo interpretation is terrific! And I like hot Mr. Dempsey. ;)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 2, 2006 at 2:41 AM  

  • lol These pics do look douchy! (I'm in a hurry,had to shorten your great new word!)
    Peace!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 2, 2006 at 5:21 AM  

  • Ramo-
    With his smouldering looks and apparent disinterest in Ms. Pompeo, I think Patrick Dempsey is a gay icon waiting to happen!

    Odat-
    Don't worry about shortening the word. Actually, you've added an important variant. Adjectiving nouns is fun! And yes, I think I verbed the word "adjective."

    By Blogger Crankster, At November 2, 2006 at 9:27 AM  

  • We need to remember that the object of both their affections is the camera. Any attraction to another person is merely collateral damage.

    It reminds me of Peter O' Toole's great line in "My Favorite Year:" "I'm not an actor. I'm a MOVIE STAR!"

    By Blogger heartinsanfrancisco, At November 2, 2006 at 12:45 PM  

  • Hearts-
    Nice point! Perhaps we need to develop a new gender--celebrity. For Homo Celebritans, reproduction occurs through lenses, and sexuality is only a means to attain the goal of greater celebrity.

    I can't believe you quoted "My Favorite Year." I thought I was the only one who remembered that movie!

    By Blogger Crankster, At November 2, 2006 at 1:14 PM  

  • You forgot douche bag - the pejorative that Carlos will unleash when he hears that Mr. Dempsey is abandoning him for Ms. Pompeo (for the good of the baby and all).

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 2, 2006 at 5:27 PM  

  • You're right. Actually, I overuse douche bag, so I was trying to spread my wings here.

    Poor Carlos. Poor, poor Carlos.

    By Blogger Crankster, At November 2, 2006 at 8:25 PM  

  • I have to admit that I have been worried about this, and now I'm pretty sure. I don't think I'm smart enough to read this blog.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 3, 2006 at 7:07 PM  

  • CEO-
    Let me know if the pseudo-intellectual BS gets a little too deep, and I'll restrain myself!

    By Blogger Crankster, At November 3, 2006 at 8:54 PM  

  • Wow... while I'm really sorry I've neglected reading your blog for so long, I'm thoroughly enjoying the experience of plowing through them all at once! Whatever that ethereal quality is that makes writing worth reading, I'm reminded that you have it in abundance. Oh, and the bit about Ms. Pompeo's pride in her pungent passing had me laughing out loud.

    Also, not sure if you've noticed, but a quick Google search reveals that you are the first and only person in the history of the Internets to have used the word "douchitudinous. " A truly enviable accomplishment.

    By Blogger William, At December 4, 2007 at 9:55 PM  

  • Oh, holy crap. I just realized I found my way to *last* November while trying to catch up on the most recent developments... sheesh. I'm an idiot.

    By Blogger William, At December 4, 2007 at 9:57 PM  

  • William-
    Can't tell you how proud it makes me to have made my mark on the planet. Even if that mark was a little douchitudinous.

    And, by the way, it's good to see you again!

    By Blogger Crankster, At December 5, 2007 at 1:40 PM  

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