doosh-i-tood-i-nuss-ness

Word of the Day:

The word of the day is douche. To demonstrate the multiple permutations of this word, we have our special guests: Patrick Dempsey



And Ellen Pompeo:

We will be using an advertising campaign from New York & Co., a mall-based retailer of mid-level clothing.

Let's start with our basic word:

douche  [doosh] Noun
1. A jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes.
2. The application of such a jet.
3. An instrument, as a syringe, for administering it.
4. A bath administered by such a jet.
5. An unfortunate or irritating fellow. See also tool, shmuck, shmendrick, nimrod.

In this picture, Patrick Dempsey is acting like a total douche:

In this context, the term douche references the fact that Mr. Dempsey appears to be dreaming of a previous romantic encounter with Carlos, his rough-trade boyfriend. In the process, he is completely ignoring the fetching Ms. Pompeo, behind whom he is hovering. While we might agree that Ms. Pompeo is disturbingly thin and has an excessively excited expression, there really is no excuse for Mr. Dempsey's unattentiveness. In fact, even were Ms. Pompeo as lobotomized as she appears in this photo, Mr. Dempsey's behavior would still be beyond the pale. Clearly, Mr. Dempsey needs to explain to Ms. Pompeo that he is feeling conflicted about his desires, and is only using her for window dressing. And, besides, it's only fair--Carlos has feelings, too.


First major variant: douchitude

douchitude [doosh-uh-tood] Noun
1. The quality or condition of being a douche.
2. The quality or condition of acting like a douche.
3. A hair-hygrometer based tool that measures the specific gravity of a douchebag, or douche delivery system (obs.).

In this picture, Patrick Dempsey is displaying an almost immeasurable amount of douchitude:


In this sentence, the word douchitude references the fact that Mr. Dempsey, who initially ignored Ms. Pompeo, is now threatening her. Although she seems to be enjoying herself, a closer look reveals that her eyes are, in fact, filled with barely-concealed terror. Mr. Dempsey has, apparently, told her to smile for the bank's camera, and threatened dire consequences if she refuses. Perhaps he felt driven to this extreme course of action by his repressed desires; perhaps he has merely been overwhelmed by Ms. Pompeo's incessant and meaningless chattering. Regardless, he has clearly gone over the edge.

(In a related note, one wonders why New York & Co. thought that this advertising campaign would work.)


Second major variant: douchitudinous

douchitudinous [doosh-uh-tood-i-nuss] Adjective
1. Of or related to a douche.
2. The quality or condition of being of or related to a douche.
3. A Pleistocene-era herbivore that frequented low-lying boggy areas (obs.).

In this picture, Ms. Pompeo looks particularly douchitudinous:



In this context, the word douchitudinous refers to the ridiculousness of Ms. Pompeo's pose. Whether she is draped across Mr. Dempsey because she is exhausted, strung-out, or is pretending to be a breakfast tray, she looks idiotic. Furthermore, given that they are arranged on a fainting-couch, which offers no back support, she is threatening Mr. Dempsey with potential spinal injuries. Recognizing his danger, he is clutching the edge of the couch with what can only be described as a death-grip. From the expression on his face, it is clear that Mr. Dempsey has just realized that he was a total douche for agreeing to put up with this nonsense in the first place.


Final major variant: douchitudinousness

douchitudinousness [doosh-uh-tood-i-nuss-ness] Noun
This is not, in fact, a real word. However, if it were, it might describe the pure idiocy of this image:


It is hard to quantify the douchitudinousness of this picture. This is not because there is a paucity of douchitudinousness, but rather because the extreme quantity of it renders the picture a veritable "Where's Waldo" of weak-chinned, cross-eyed, drooling idiocy; frankly, if this photo were a person, it's parents would be siblings. First, there is Ms. Pompeo's jacket, which seems to be a gilded refugee from the mid-1980's. Second, there is the pose. Is Mr. Dempsey cradling Ms. Pompeo's belly because she was recently shot? Is he feeling the baby kicking inside her? If the latter is the case, it would go a long way toward explaining her ecstatic expression; after months of puncturing condoms and feeding him powdered rhino horn, she has finally entrapped him with a pregnancy. This would also explain the longing, distant expression on his face--he knows that it's over with Carlos.

A more likely interpretation, however, is that Ms. Pompeo recently broke wind. She's clearly proud of herself and the unholy vapors that she is capable of producing. Mr. Dempsey, on the other hand, is concentrating on not tossing his cookies. As are we all.

Next Week's Word: Soulless