The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Anorexics

I've been trying to lose weight lately. When I try to drop pounds, I generally find myself obsessing about every aspect of my health, which leads me to think about anorexics. Say what you want about them, but you have to admit that anorexics have an encyclopedic knowledge of weight loss, not to mention a lot of willpower. Their ability to resist food so completely amazes me, particularly when I am so easily tempted by the sesame chicken at the local Chinese joint.

Last year, I read Branded by Alyssa Quart (it's a terrible book--don't waste your time). In it, she looks into Pro-Ana websites, which offer tips on eating disorders and support for "extreme dieters." At the same time, I read the results of a recent study showing that a constant state of low-grade hunger actually helps people live longer.

So, as Pro-Ana movements collide with studies validating hunger, I think we'll see more and more Ana-envy, or jealousy toward people who have the willpower to starve themselves. In a crass, blatant attempt to get in on the ground floor of this trend, I offer the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Anorexics, tools that people can use to improve their lives and get ahead in business.

1. Cut Your Problems Into Smaller Pieces:
As any Anorexic will tell you, you can't eat a whole apple. Hell, nobody can eat a whole apple, except for maybe, you know, Meg Ryan or someone like that (I'd kill for that bitch's metabolism!). Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, nobody can eat a whole apple. However, if you cut it into smaller pieces--voila! problem solved. Best of all, 1/156th of an apple has, like, almost no calories at all. Oh...this works for other things, too.

2. Attack From Multiple Angles:
Of course, you can starve yourself. Then again, everybody starves themselves. However, if you really want to bring out the bones, you need to get serious. Run twelve miles a day on a 300-calorie diet. Keep your house freezing cold--shivering helps you burn fat when you're sitting still. Remember, your problems, like your buttocks, won't disappear on their own. In the workplace, you can use this technique when you find yourself competing with colleagues. Simpletons just do their own jobs well; anorexic thinkers go the extra mile--they sabatoge their coworkers and sleep with the boss.

3. Inspiration:
Nobody gets to the top on their own. We all need a little inspiration from our heroes, which is why pictures of Callista Flockheart, Lara Flynn Boyle, and Mahatma Gandhi so often grace the refrigerators of Anorexics. Who's on your refrigerator? Let your hero inspire you every day.

4. Warnings:
Heroes only get us so far; villains take us the rest of the way. Every anorexic knows that if Calista's not doing it for you, try Roseanne. Something about seeing the swollen face of total dietary surrender makes it easier to feel full on three skittles and a half cup of crushed ice. In the office, use the image of your enemy to remind you of your goals, help keep you on track, or improve your aim at the urinal.

5. Willpower:
Willpower can accomplish anything, from building the pyramids to helping you rid yourself of those irritating problems like menstruation. What do you use your willpower for? Just remember, wishing won't do it; willpower is the only thing that will get you into a children's size nine or the corner office.

6. Creativity:
Stuck in rehab with no scale in sight? Try trading clothes to discover who's the heifer! As every anorexic knows, there are plenty of ways to skin a cat. The difference between being number one and feeling like number two lies in finding the hidden solution to your problem, no matter what that problem is!

7. Obsession:
There's no substitute for single-mindedness. If you want to reach the top, you can't focus on minor concerns like family, ethics, thinning hair, or longevity. Pain, misery, the failure of your relationships, and the destruction of your body are mere distractions, drawing your attention away from the things that really matter. Let the losers worry about the details; you've got a job to do!

So there you have it. Seven simple steps that will help you halve the distance between yourself and your goals. Don't thank me--thank an advertising industry that has taught young girls to divert all their power, skill, and intelligence into self-destruction.