Crankster

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Ten Things the Marshmallow Companies Don't Want You to Know


1. Marshmallows are fattening.
2. Marshmallows have no nutritional value.
3. Marshmallows are made from the souls of Norwegian infants.
4. Every time you eat a marshmallow, an American job moves overseas.
5. Marshmallows are bland.
6. Marshmallows fund death squads in Sierra Leone.
7. Cool kids don't eat marshmallows.
8. Marshmallows oppose electoral reform.
9. Marshmallows cause marsh gas, which is destroying the ozone layer.
10. Idi Amin's second favorite food was marshmallows (Pol Pot preferred caramel cremes).


This message has been brought to you by the National Alliance of Gummy Bear Manufacturers.

10 Comments:

  • You forgot to add:

    Marshmallows make baby Jesus cry

    Miss you!

    Suzanne

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At October 24, 2006 at 2:39 PM  

  • I knew there was a reason I hated marshmallows!!! Thanks for vocalizing them for me!
    Peace

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At October 24, 2006 at 5:17 PM  

  • Suzanne-
    Made Baby Jesus cry? Marshmallows nailed Him to the cross!

    Odat-
    Constant vigilance is the only thing that can save us from the creeping menace that is the marshmallow.

    By Blogger Crankster, At October 24, 2006 at 6:31 PM  

  • Marshmallows are scary scary beasts.

    Especially on the electoral reform issue. Man...

    By Blogger misanthropster, At October 24, 2006 at 6:55 PM  

  • I try not to eat connective tissue. It's a personal thing, but on camping trips as a kid, I claimed religious objections.

    By Blogger mist1, At October 24, 2006 at 8:42 PM  

  • When I was deported to boarding school in 10th grade, the favorite snack among the other exiles was a sandwich made of American cheese, peanut butter and marshmallow fluff on Wonder bread. One night there were ants in one of the components, which we didn't realize until it was too late because the stuff was being consumed after lights out.

    To this day, the sight of marshmallows makes me queasy.

    By Blogger heartinsanfrancisco, At October 24, 2006 at 10:07 PM  

  • Misanthropster-
    Yes, you can add gerrymandering to the list of marshmallow crimes. Fight the man!

    Mist-
    Yes, like a blind date, marshmallows lull you in with their beautiful appearance and smooth texture, never letting you in on the horror of their origins...

    Hearts-
    Thank you for letting me know about yet another marshmallow crime. I shall add it to the list!

    By Blogger Crankster, At October 24, 2006 at 11:08 PM  

  • I love marshmallows. I'm a rebel.

    By Anonymous Just D, At October 25, 2006 at 12:26 PM  

  • Just D,

    Well, you can't say you weren't forewarned...

    By Blogger Crankster, At October 25, 2006 at 7:09 PM  

  • Marshmallows are fat-free and therefore can't possibly be fattening. ;)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At October 30, 2006 at 12:09 PM  

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