Wild Rice

Okay, I'll admit it--I'm a little slow on the uptake. However, I recently saw the light. After watching her stomp around the public stage for almost six years, it has finally occurred to me.

Condi Rice is a lesbian.

A few weeks ago, when I first realized this, I felt like a genius. It was a eureka moment, and several key things fell into place. Within a few hours, though, I realized that this was so obvious that someone else must have realized it. Sure enough, a quick google search confirmed that this particular theory is fairly popular, and has been bolstered by a fair amount of friend-of-a-friend anecdotes.

Now, of course, this is merely heresay. Nothing in the above paragraphs is definitive, and none of my "evidence" could be admitted in a court of law. However, it brought an interesting thought to mind: if Condi were gay, how would she handle it? Would she openly admit her sexual preference, demanding that the rest of the country deal with it, or would she couch her sexual preferences in nineteenth-century stereotypes like "I never found the right man" or "he got away." Might she just claim that she was "married to her work?"

Historically speaking, the most likely response would be none of the above. In all likelihood, Condi would vehemently deny all accusations and proceed to sponser initiatives and legislation that would demonize lesbianism and outlaw Birkenstocks. She'd publicly attack the Indigo Girls, imprison Ellen DeGeneres, and make leg-shaving a legal requirement. While I know that this prediction seems extreme, frankly, it fits closely with the traditional gay Conservative response to homosexuality. To put it bluntly, gay conservatives always seem to be at the front of the torch-bearing mob attacking their own lifestyle.

When I was a kid, jokes used to come in waves. For example, there was a string of Challenger jokes for a while; another time, we all told James Brady jokes. Well, for a while in the early eighties, Bob Bauman jokes were in vogue. Bauman was a congressman from Maryland who had been caught soliciting sex and "oral sodomy" from a sixteen year old male prostitute. Thinking back, I feel a little guilty about making fun of poor congressman Bauman--after all, the guy was just looking for some fun, for which he lost his entire political career. However, it's worth noting that Republican congressman Bauman had gotten elected to office as an ultraconservative touting a return to traditional moral values. He had loudly and consistently spoken out against homosexuality, and had received a 100% rating from Christian Voice, a conservative group.

And how many other ultraconservative homosexuals have attacked their gay breathren in order to gain power and prestige? Off the top of my head, I can think of two--Roy Cohn and J. Edgar Hoover. Of course, homosexual activities were only one of many things that they demonized in their quest for power, but it still seems pretty strange given their own preferences.


While I was thinking about Ms. Rice, the Foley scandal broke. In the time since, Republicans have tripped all over themselves trying to blame everyone for Foley's fall from grace. Apparently, the pages were to blame, alcohol was to blame, and a priest who may or may not have molested Foley was to blame. The reality that seems to be eluding the Republicans is that nobody is to blame. Foley is gay, and is, apparently, in a relatively stable relationship with Dr. Layne Nisenbaum, a Washington-area dermatologist. This is the simple fact of the matter, and there is no shame in admitting it.
Of course, there is also the fact that the objects of Foley's ham-handed flirtations were underage, and there is simply no excuse for that. Nor, for that matter, is there any excuse for Foley's repeated and vehement denials of his own sexuality. And, while we're at it, it's worth noting that Foley's crusade against child molestation, which inspired George Bush to call him "A SWAT team leader" against child sex predators, was utterly merciless. Ironically, it looks like Foley might be prosecuted under some of the laws that he sponsored. Presumably, he will seek greater sentencing leniency than he offered to other predators.

I can't help but contrast Foley's behavior with that of Gary Studds, who died on October 14. In 1983, Studds was censured for having had a relationship with a male intern ten years earlier. Studds, who had long wrestled with the question of whether or not to openly admit his gay identity, stated that he was, in fact, a homosexual, and that the relationship had been consensual. He also noted that the intern had been over the legal age of consent. In spite of his censure, Studds was subsequently re-elected to Congress six times, finally retiring in 1997.

It seems to me that the main thing standing between gay Republicans and mainstream acceptance of gay Republicans is...well, gay Republicans. If you're gay, and your political party refuses to accept your lifestyle, then perhaps you need to ask yourself if loyalty should cut both ways.