Another Logic Problem

A couple of weeks ago, I offered the first ever (as far as I know) pornographic logic problem. The winner was Will, from Kiss Yourself Goodbye. His prize was a packet of "Wacky Packages" stickers, scourge of my '70's childhood:


The runner-up was Glamourpuss, of The Pole Affair; Puss mastered the puzzle, but Will was a little faster.

Thank you both for playing!

This week's puzzle involves groupies. Last night, the European rock sensation Tin Monkey played in Happytown. Of course, all the young girls had had their tickets for weeks, but a few of them wanted something more memorable than just a band t-shirt. They wanted a night with the band.

The lads, of course, were more than happy to oblige. This time, though, they decided to spice it up a bit. They decided to have a contest to see who could have sex the fastest. The groupies, of course, were eager to join in the fun. Unfortunately, though, the boys in the band were a little drunk, so they weren’t too particular about their partners. One of them actually hooked up with a nun! Also, in their haste, each of them made a serious mistake. One even had unprotected sex with a girl who was sporting a cold sore!

The next morning, none of the boys could remember who had sex with who, but each recalled some small details of the evening. Based on these details, can you help them figure out what happened? If you do it fast enough, maybe they’ll let you tour with the band!


1. The bandmember with the Jehovah’s Witness took exactly 30 seconds longer to finish than the one who inadvertently had sex with the groupie’s belly button, who took exactly 15 seconds longer to finish than the one who had unprotected sex with the girl with a cold sore.

2. Ian took exactly 30 seconds longer to finish than the band member who “pleasured” the girl in the kilt and fishnet stockings. The kilt fetishist, on the other hand, took longer than Rick.

3. The band member who had sex with a nun, who somehow ended up with carpet burn, took exactly 15 seconds longer than Izzy, who paired up with the Jehovah’s Witness.

4. The band member who accidentally ended up with a bloke took exactly fifteen seconds longer to finish than Wrongo, who hooked up with the girl whose clothes were covered with band patches.

Logic Problem

So, my wife and I sometimes do logic problems for fun.

What, that's weird?

Well, then, so be it; it's weird. Anyway, I like logic problems. I get the same feeling from doing them that I get from completing a Sudoku puzzle. Actually, logic problems are a little more intense.

The trouble, though, is that the setups in logic problems tend to be a little too banal. Honestly, how excited can you get about figuring out the lineup for an imaginary television network, or the morning schedule for a dog-grooming company? Seriously, these are real logic problem setups.

So I decided to experiment with a more interesting scenario. I've included a form to help you plot it out. The first person to give me the correct answers will win the respect and adulation of millions and some sort of prize that I haven't figured out yet.

Rugged Roberta and Her Friends

It’s been a long time since Rugged Roberta worked the corners in Happytown, but she’s still in what she likes to call "the leisure industry." Now self-employed, she has an extensive client list, and caters to a wide array of interests. Unfortunately Greasy-Palmed Jake, her friendly neighborhood police sergeant, has seized her day planner and has told her that he won’t give it back unless she slips him 20% of her take. Roberta has no intention of paying; she’s not about to share her hard-earned cash with a wannabe pimp.

Everything was in code, so her clients are safe, but now Roberta has no idea who’s coming over to play. Luckily, she has post-its scattered all over her apartment reminding her of some of the times, activities, toys, and role-playing that her customers want. Help her figure out who’s coming over and when. Maybe she’ll give you a little reward!

1. Dirty Don (who doesn’t like nipple clamps) is scheduled to show up exactly 4.5 hours before Horny Harry. The client who loves the brutal lash of the cat o’nine tails is coming at 7:30.

2. Either Stinky Joe (who doesn’t have a policewoman fetish) or Rod the bod likes to have the waffled butt that only comes from being spanked with a tennis racquet. The customer who likes being covered in Cheese Whiz also enjoys being “shushed” by librarians.

3. Bent Jimmy is going to show up at some point before Dirty Don. Rod the bod fancies neither Wonder Woman nor policewomen.

4. The customer who buzzes to the frequency of Roberta’s vibrator will show up at 3:00. Stinky Joe will show up exactly three hours after the lapsed-Catholic customer with a nun fetish.