Crankster

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Strong Enough to Knock a Buzzard Off a Shit-Wagon

...But Ph balanced for a woman!

As promised, Ella, Misanthropster, and I have now smell-tested all the women's deodorants. Again, we did this in two visits, which explains why Ella sniffed some, and Misanthropster sniffed others. Also, George decided to get into the act, throwing a tantrum until we let her give it a try. I hope anti-perspirant doesn't cause brain damage, as she had a little moustache by the time we were done.

At any rate, here are the results. I imagine that Glamourpuss, who was surprised at the number of men's deodorants, will flip her wig at this. Of course, most of them smell like baby powder.

Ban Regular:
Crankster: Urine and rotted fruit.
Misanthropster: Alcohol and baby powder. Like Georgia on a Friday night.

Ban Powder Fresh:
Crankster: Basic powder scent.
Misanthropster: Baby powder.

Ban Shower Fresh:
Crankster: Cherry Kool-Aid.
Misanthropster: Like some awful mixed drink crap.

Ban Satin Breeze:
Crankster: Basic powder scent.
Misanthropster: Like the ocean. Not in a good way.

Ban Fresh Cotton:
Crankster: Pear-y.
Misanthropster: Alcohol and something nasty.

Ban Sweet Surrender:
Crankster: Spoiled jelly. And the worst deodorant name ever.
Misanthropster: Jagermeister and Kahlua. I surrender.

Dove Powder:
Crankster: Acetone and diapers.
Misanthropster: Ass and cinnamon.

Dove Original Clean:
Crankster: Laundry detergent.
Misanthropster: Ass and Midori.

Dove Radiant Silk:
Crankster: What I'd imagine a serial killer's house would smell like.
Misanthropster: Ass and lily.

Dove Fresh:
Crankster: Melons.
Misanthropster: Ass and something nasty.

Lady's Choice Shower Fresh:
Crankster:Tilex
Ella: An Italian hostel

Lady's Choice Cucumber Melon:
Crankster:Cherry Jolly Ranchers
Ella: Apple Jolly Ranchers

Lady's Choice Powder Fresh:
Crankster: Scrubbing Bubbles cleanser
Ella: Jolly Ranchers

Lady Speed Stick 24/7 Powder Burst:
Crankster: Way too powdery
Ella: Smells like baby powder. Very dry.

Lady Speed Stick 24/7 Fresh Fusion:
Crankster: White grapes
Ella: Baby powder

Lady Speed Stick 24/7 Satin Pear:
Crankster: Jello
Ella: Green Jolly Ranchers

Lady Speed Stick 24/7 Cool Breeze:
Crankster: Cucumber and ammonia.
Ella: Fruity disinfectant.

Lady Speed Stick Invisible Dry Wild Freesia:
Crankster: Fruit punch
Ella: Raspberries and new car cherry scent (Ella used to work in a car wash).

Lady Speed Stick Invisible Dry Fruity Melon:
Crankster: Canteloupe
Ella: Honeydew and Jolly Ranchers.

Lady Speed Stick Invisible Dry Shower Fresh:
Crankster: Industrial cleaner
Ella: Soft Scrub

Lady Speed Stick Invisible Dry Orchard Blossom:
Crankster: Green Apple Jolly Ranchers
Ella: Apple Jolly Ranchers. Way too sweet.

Lady Speed Stick Invisible Dry Caribbean Cool:
Crankster: Baby powder
Ella: Baby powder

Mitchum for Women Powder Fresh Clear Gel:
Crankster: Baby powder mixed with a glue stick.
Ella: Baby powder

Mitchum for Women Shower Fresh:
Crankster: Dishwasher detergent and Comet cleanser.
Ella: Household cleaner.

Secret Platinum Velvet Powder:
Crankster: Salad with mint.
Ella: Baby powder.

Secret Platinum Botanical Silk:
Crankster: Nice scent. Cucumbery.
Ella: Parsley

Secret Platinum Powder Fresh:
Crankster: Aggressively flowery.
Ella: Melon and powder

Secret Platinum Ocean Breeze:
Crankster: Berries, softly flowery.
Ella: Those small purple flowers that are generally dried when you buy them.

Secret Platinum Mystic Rain:
Crankster: Berries and Sea World.
Ella: Cucumbers

Secret Platinum Glacier Mist:
Crankster: Fruit punch.
Ella: Baby powder and chlorine.

Secret Platinum Tropical Satin:
Crankster: Powdery and flowery
Misanthropster: Rotting grape jelly.

Secret Platinum Spring Breeze:
Crankster: Sophisticated. Reminds me of Joy perfume.
Misanthropster: Rotting baby powder.

Secret Platinum Peach Shimmer:
Crankster: Did Strawberry Shortcake have a peach friend? Flowery and melony.
Misanthropster: Rotting fruit punch with roses and bourbon.

Secret Platinum Sparkling Vanilla:
Crankster: Rancid coconut milk.
Misanthropster: Straight vanilla extract.

Secret Platinum Lavender Splash:
Crankster: A mix of rubbing alcohol and a toilet puck.
Misanthropster: Window cleaner.

Secret Platinum Tropical Radiance:
Crankster: Rubbing Alcohol and a sleazy rum bar.
Misanthropster: Rum and rotting fruit.

Secret Platinum Gardenia Spray:
Crankster: Old man.
Misanthropster: Rotting fruit.

Secret Platinum Genuine:
Crankster: Mild, wet-smelling.
Misanthropster: Lily of the valley.

Secret Violet Dazzle:
Crankster: Actually smells like violets.
Misanthropster: Actually smells like violets.

Secret Pear:
Crankster: WAY too sweet.
Misanthropster: Smells like green apples.

Soft and Dri Derma Stripe Whisper:
Crankster: Powder, pears, and jasmine.
Ella:Melony.

Soft and Dri Power Stripe Passion Flower:
Crankster: Berries
Ella: Cool and cucumbery.

Soft and Dri DriGel Baby Powder:
Crankster: Smells overpoweringly of baby powder. As a side note, the "DriGel" has the texture of semen.
Ella:Baby Powder with a touch of alcohol.

Soft and Dri Soft Scent:
Crankster: Scented tampons.
Ella: Exactly. Scented tampons.

Sure Fresh Scent:
Crankster: White wine and grapes.
Misanthropster: Like men's cologne.

Sure Powder Scent:
Crankster: Heavy powder smell.
Misanthropster: Baby powder.

Sure Regular Scent:
Crankster: If global warming had a smell, this would be it. Smells like ozone coming off a broken electrical appliance.
Misanthropster: Like men's cologne.

Suave Naturals Sun-Ripened Raspberry:
Crankster: Smells like raspberries.
Misanthropster: Ass.

Suave Naturals Sweet Pea and Violet:
Crankster: Sugary flowers.
Misanthropster: Ass, sweet ass.

Suave Naturals Soothing Aloe Vera:
Crankster: Crushed grass.
Misanthropster: Tangy ass.

Suave Naturals Cucumber and Melon:
Crankster: Green Apple Jolly Ranchers.
Misanthropster: Ass.

Suave Naturals Pacific Breeze:
Crankster: Grapes
Misanthropster: Just fuckin' nasty.

Suave Fresh Powder :
Crankster: Basic powder scent.
Misanthropster: I hate Suave.

Suave Powder :
Crankster: Sweetly, cloyingly flowery. Gross.
Misanthropster: Gross b.o. Like Tanya, a girl I knew in High School.

Teen Spirit Berry Blossom:
Crankster: Powder and fruit punch.
Misanthropster: Rasberrys. Fuck, I can't spell.

Teen Spirit Cool Coconut:
Crankster: Coconut Oil
Misanthropster: Coconuts. And teen spirit.

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19 Comments:

  • I can't stand the artificial smell of deoderants anymore. I use this all-natural paste stuff from Lush that smells awesome, but leaves my pits drenched because there's no antiperspirant aspect to it. No, I'm not a hippie.

    Misanthropster--I remember Tanya and her nasty b.o. I sat next to her in English one year. Her hair left something to be desired as well, even in 1992.

    By Blogger Mrs Pinchloaf, At January 16, 2007 at 10:39 AM  

  • How much ass has Misanthropster smelled????

    By Blogger Claudia, At January 16, 2007 at 11:13 AM  

  • Claudia,

    Well, now that I've smelled all of the Suave deodorants, an awful lot.

    By Blogger misanthropster, At January 16, 2007 at 11:25 AM  

  • Y'all have so much free time you should have another baby!

    By Blogger Matt, At January 16, 2007 at 11:37 AM  

  • Mrs. Pinchloaf-
    Right there with you. I'm a deodorant man, myself--I hate the pore-clogging aluminum crap they use in anti-perspirants.

    Incidentally, Misanthropster pointed out that the two of you went to school with about eight Tanyas, yet you were able to immediately figure out which one she was talking about. Sounds like Tanya left an indelible impression!


    Claudia-
    Well, she grew up with a lot of dogs...


    Matt-
    I hope that I'm never too busy to waste an hour for the faithful readers of my blog!

    By Blogger Crankster, At January 16, 2007 at 11:40 AM  

  • Your graphic at the top is quite useful.

    By Blogger Lee, At January 16, 2007 at 12:20 PM  

  • Misanthropster...yes smell testing all those deodorants is self-inflicted torture!

    By Blogger Claudia, At January 16, 2007 at 4:01 PM  

  • This had me crying with laughter at my desk. All I can say is, you must have smelled a lot of arses in your time. I think 'cinnamon ass' was my favourite but Mist could probably comment more on that.

    Puss

    By Blogger Glamourpuss, At January 16, 2007 at 4:42 PM  

  • Oh Geez!

    I better choose carefully. There's a lot of ass scents out there.

    By Blogger Lex, At January 16, 2007 at 7:20 PM  

  • Lee-
    I can now tell you from experience that misused anti-perspirant can be a very dangerous thing.


    Claudia and Puss-
    I'll leave it to Misanthropster to answer!

    Lex-
    Choose wisely. I'd avoid the ass scents. If it's any help, Misanthropster bought herself a two-pack of cucumber Dove, which we weren't able to test. She found it to be an outstanding scent.

    By Blogger Crankster, At January 16, 2007 at 9:02 PM  

  • Dare I ask why Misanthropster is so well acquainted with the scent of ass?

    By Blogger Michelle, At January 16, 2007 at 11:40 PM  

  • I can't wear fruit and flower scented deodorant for fear that bees will try pollenate me.

    By Blogger Pickled Olives, At January 17, 2007 at 12:14 AM  

  • See how difficult science can get when you have to control for all of these exogenous variables.

    By Blogger The CEO, At January 17, 2007 at 12:15 AM  

  • I’m glad to see that the manufacturers of “Mum” have finally addressed the issue of “future odour.” If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it twice…

    By Blogger slaghammer, At January 17, 2007 at 1:18 AM  

  • OMG This was sooo funny...I can't believe you actually did this...So which one did she pick?
    Love the descriptions...very very funny!
    Peace

    By Blogger Odat, At January 17, 2007 at 6:29 AM  

  • Michelle-
    We all have followed some strange paths on the way here.

    On another note, you have a lovely blog. Best to you and your students!


    Olives-
    Right there with you. Same fear regarding ants carrying me away.


    CEO-
    Well, reality definitely isn't a controlled situation.

    Although I'd love to meet the control group.


    Slaghammer-
    I wonder why the ad campaign "Mum's the word" didn't work out for them.


    Odat-
    Actually, she went with Dove Cucumber, which we weren't able to smell. She's very happy with it, though.

    By Blogger Crankster, At January 17, 2007 at 7:02 PM  

  • Actually, I'm 200% unhappy with it. I unfortunately wore it on the day we did inventory at our store which caused me to raise my arms over my head numerous times.

    I kept smelling cat pee. I thought it was my inventory partner. Nope... my pits. It was the freakin deodorant. Back to scent free...

    By Blogger misanthropster, At January 18, 2007 at 4:35 PM  

  • This is hilarious! I love it.
    Though I have to admit, Misanthropster seems to think EVERYTHING smells like ass!
    Might want to get that checked out!

    I think I'll post a link to this post on my own blog (if that's ok with you), so my readers can come over and enjoy this too. :)

    By Blogger Janna, At January 23, 2007 at 12:57 AM  

  • Janna-
    Link away! Actually, I'm probably going to return the favor soon, as I really enjoyed your South Park post.

    By Blogger Crankster, At January 23, 2007 at 1:07 PM  

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