Monday, January 15, 2007

Hallmark of Insanity

WARNING: This post contains words, phrases, and images that, while puerile and silly, are (ironically) intended for a mature audience. It should not be read by nursery-school students, individuals with heart conditions, humorless liberals, or any member of the Moral Majority. Thank you for your patience.

This is my sister Ella. You might remember her from some of my earlier posts, including Party Like It's 2000 and My Men Wear ??? or Nothing at All. In this picture, she's wearing her Halloween costume, which she titled "Nut-Ella":

In May, 2006, Ella graduated from art school with dual degrees in Sculpture and Painting and Printmaking. Yesterday, we drove her to Roanoke, so she could catch the bus to Pennsylvania. She's gotten a job at Bucknell University, where she will run the wood shop and teach a drawing class. Ella's a little flaky, so we ended up leaving the house late. After a high-speed, traffic-weaving chase up the highway, we got there as the bus was pulling out. I was preparing to park my car in front of it when Ella and the Wife convinced the driver to stop.

One of Ella's biggest concerns is supporting herself. To that end, she designed a series of unique greeting cards. She sees these as a form of democratized art that the public can easily buy and enjoy. At least, that's her story and she's sticking to it.

Me, I think they're just funny. Here are a few of my favorites:

Ella thinks that the first orgasm should be recognized as a major event in a woman's life. I somehow doubt that it's going to edge out the quinceanera anytime soon.

I'm not sure this particular card idea will really catch on. Maybe it will find its niche among divorced couples.

Okay, I like the idea of celebrating the loss of virginity. On the other hand, scheduling the party might be a little problematic.

You have to admit that this one makes a lot of sense. I wonder why they don't already make "congratulations on your plastic surgery cards."

Again, an idea whose time has come.

And finally...

For when you don't have the guts to say it face-to-face. As a side note, could she have picked a gayer-looking model for this card?

In other news, I would like to announce that Serena, of Life Is Falling to Pieces is the winner of the second Porn Logic Challenge. For her prize, she may choose any of the above cards. And, as always, thanks for playing!

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  • OMG those had me rolling. Congrats to your sister for her extreme cleverness.

    (On a side note, my word verification was ieieu.. for some reason I had a hard time not typing eieio.)

    By Blogger Just D, At January 15, 2007 at 12:12 PM  

  • These are fabulous and your sister is a slightly twisted genius. I like her already. I even think with the right marketing strategy she could sell the hell out of these.

    By Blogger Spellbound, At January 15, 2007 at 1:00 PM  

  • Your sister is brilliant! LOVE the cards.

    By Blogger Pickled Olives, At January 15, 2007 at 1:38 PM  

  • These are great! Hilarious!

    And yes, I do own a poetry book dammit. It's lesbian erotic poetry. No I'm not, but it cracks me up on my bookshelf...and that's a pretty sexy poem right?

    By Blogger Lee, At January 15, 2007 at 1:49 PM  

  • The breast implant will give me nightmares now!

    By Blogger Nihilistic, At January 15, 2007 at 2:27 PM  

  • D-
    I know what you mean; these killed me.

    On a related note, my word verifications keep looking like Polish. Go figure.

    Unfortunately, she hasn't figured out the perfect strategy yet (but she's working on it!)


    I'm not saying a word. I personally own five or six volumes of lesbian erotica!

    Yeah, the "mammarius ocularis" is right up there with the "vagina dentata" in terms of things that scare the crap out of me!

    By Blogger Crankster, At January 15, 2007 at 5:35 PM  

  • Congratulations to your sister. The cards are great! I'm certain there is a market for them...and I'm certain my ex will love getting the "condolences" card if I kick the can first.

    By Blogger Lex, At January 15, 2007 at 7:57 PM  

  • Those cards are fuuunny!!

    By Blogger Claudia, At January 15, 2007 at 9:46 PM  

  • Wow, those are awesome!

    By Blogger monicker, At January 15, 2007 at 9:46 PM  

  • Lex-
    She's working on a Congratulations on the Death of Your Husband card. Equality, and all that!

    She debuted them at my wedding. My sister's a little weird.

    She blows me away sometimes!

    By Blogger Crankster, At January 15, 2007 at 10:27 PM  

  • I had never heard of a quinceanera, it all sounds extremely Victorian which probably expains my ignorance of it. In my family, there is a similar tradition for welcoming boys into manhood. The ceremony begins by sneaking out the window after midnight, meeting up with a female and drinking beer, cough syrup, cologn, or whatever is available, until you are too drunk to unsnap your own Garaniamals without help from your equally sloshed girlfriend, or more accurately, a sloshed girl who is your friend. The ceremony is concluded when you sneak back into your bedroom where dad is waiting to work you over with a heavy leather strap. Since I have no sons, I guess that tradition gets trimmed from the old family tree. It’s probably for the best.

    By Blogger slaghammer, At January 16, 2007 at 2:53 AM  

  • So if fake tits give you a real personality, do real one's make you fake?


    By Blogger Glamourpuss, At January 16, 2007 at 8:22 AM  

  • A few years ago I tried to get my idea off the ground of cards for left handed people I never bothered my arse marketing them properly due to the fact my life was a bit of a mess at that point in time (the cards themselves opened the opposite way, had left handed facts and gags on them) anyway these are wonderfully wicked cards and she should go for it marketing wise and she would surely give hallmark a run for their money. Theyre twisted I love em!

    By Blogger Judith, At January 16, 2007 at 9:07 AM  

  • Slaghammer-
    Sneaking out, getting ripped, hooking up, getting your ass kicked?

    Sounds like an utterly appropriate introduction to manhood!

    What a great question! As my sister currently has only her original parts, I think she'd argue that fake tits are an overcompensation for a lack of real personality.

    Left-handed cards, eh? Sounds sinister.

    By Blogger Crankster, At January 16, 2007 at 11:30 AM  

  • You'd feel disappointed if she wasn't flaky.

    By Blogger Matt, At January 16, 2007 at 11:39 AM  

  • Good. You had me worried there - the thought that my own dear (natural) assets could have such a negative effect on my personality was a troubling one...


    By Blogger Glamourpuss, At January 16, 2007 at 1:08 PM  

  • Matt-
    True, although I could do without the 90 mph careening flight down I-81.

    Not to slag on the surgical enhancement industry, but I tend to have a little more respect for people who do the best with what they were given.

    Botox? Are you kidding me?

    By Blogger Crankster, At January 16, 2007 at 2:30 PM  

  • I am proud to know you and your entire family.

    By Blogger The CEO, At January 17, 2007 at 12:18 AM  

  • You totally neglected the "Roadside Condoms." Just a thought.

    By Anonymous John, At January 17, 2007 at 2:34 AM  

  • She gives the phrase "twisted sister" a new definition!
    Love the cards.....too effing funny.

    By Blogger Odat, At January 17, 2007 at 6:35 AM  

  • CEO-
    It isn't hard to find the resemblance, is it?

    Good point. Perhaps a future post.

    You think she's weird? You should meet my sister in Connecticut. She's into scrapbooking!

    I can't believe we're related.

    By Blogger Crankster, At January 17, 2007 at 7:04 PM  

  • Hey thanks everyone and mi hermano. You are the shit. By the way, I want veto power on the pictures you post of me. Danka.

    By Blogger the Divine Vulva, At January 21, 2007 at 2:43 PM  

  • Vulva-
    No can do. Besides, I think you looked cute in your Halloween costume!

    By Blogger Crankster, At January 21, 2007 at 5:46 PM  

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