My Men Wear ??? (Or Nothing At All)

Recently, I decided to switch my deodorant. I had to face the fact that I'd gotten sick of my old scent, and it clashed with the cologne that my wife bought me for Christmas. To put it bluntly, whereas Burberry London has a woodsy, spicy scent, Speed Stick Original Scent smells like a lime rolled in baby powder.


I've done this before, and I dread it. For me, switching deodorants is a traumatic experience, involving deep soul-searching. No longer content with my identity, I have to ask myself difficult questions:

Am I still a stodgy Speed Stick traditionalist, or have I progressed into the world of Adidas athleticism?

Can I still pull off the bracing, skunk-defying scent of "musk," or is it time to throw in the towel and give "Arctic Rush" a try?

If I wear Old Spice, do I smell sophisticated, or do I reek of sterno that's been filtered through a sock?

Heady questions, indeed. Unprepared to face this level of self-analysis, I decided to employ a delaying tactic; I bought a stick of Old Spice "Pacific Surge," one of those innocuous, "cool water" scents, which would hold me over while I thought this through. Still, as much as I delayed, I knew the time had come. I had to choose a new scent. A new me.

Of course, there was only one way to do this. I had to smell every deodorant in Wal-Mart. Needless to say, this was going to burn the hell out of my sinuses, but you don't screw around with a thing like this. One false move, and you end up reeking like a Bulgarian taxi driver during mating season.


I knew that I'd need a woman's input. I enlisted my lovely wife, Misanthropster. Unfortunately, however, she only made it about halfway through the Speed Sticks before a screaming headache tabled her contribution. Undaunted, I enlisted my sister, Ella. Bribing her with a bag of boiled peanuts (one of her favorite foods), I got her to contribute to my in-depth study.

This was serious business, and we knew that we'd need something to clear our noses after each deodorant, so we began with a visit to Millstone, the gourmet coffee stand in the middle of Wal-Mart. After a little discussion, we chose "Columbian Supremo," deciding that its rich scent and slightly burned overtones would do the trick. We put about a quarter pound in a bag and trekked over to the deodorant section.


An hour later, our sinuses torched beyond recognition, and sporting a slight buzz from the alcohol inhalation, Ella and I had smelled all the deodorants. She was impressed by the variety of scents, while I was surprised at the similarities. We were both shocked by the fact that we nearly got kicked out when a Wal-Mart employee caught Ella taking pictures of the deodorant section. Apparently, taking pictures in Wal-Mart is a major no-no.

Still, she was able to click a shot of what we agreed was the best scent:


All in all, it was a total blast, and Ella has already started plans for a test of the women's anti-perspirants. I'm trying to talk her into checking out the high-end department store deodorants.

Stay posted.

Here are our findings:

AXE Clix
Crankster: Like a toilet puck mixed with telicherry pepper.
Ella: Very fruity. Like "Country Apple" from Bath and Body Works.
Misanthropster: Very fruity.

AXE Essence
Crankster: Smells like a salad. Lots of celery and pine.
Ella: Like a Christmas tree.
Misanthropster: Cedary. Definitely the best of the Axes.

AXE Unlimited
Crankster: Cloyingly sweet.
Ella: Like rubbing alcohol mixed with potpourri.
Misanthropster: Like body odor.

AXE Touch
Crankster: Like a honeydew crossed with a watermelon Jolly Rancher.
Ella: Like melon with Jolly Rancher tones.
Misanthropster: Foul and rotten.

Brut Original Scent
Crankster: Notes of nutmeg, allspice, and cinnamon.
Ella: Notes of liquorice, mint, and baby powder.

Degree Clean Slate
Crankster: Smells like a walk through the woods.
Ella: Smells like spring in the forest.

Degree Ocean Blast
Crankster: Smells like Jock-itch medication.
Ella: Horrible. Like B.O.

Old Spice Aqua Reef
Crankster: Sweet and cloying.
Ella: Smells like Uncle Ted.
Misanthropster: Something a Middle Easterner would wear.

Old Spice Classic Fresh Scent
Crankster: A mixture of musk, citrus, and sterno.
Ella: Like a cross between liquor and bathroom cleaner.

Old Spice Classic Original Scent
Crankster: Lots of alcohol and musk.
Ella: Just like Jagermeister. Never wear on a date unless you run out of roofies.

Old Spice High Endurance Arctic Force
Crankster: Sweet, with berry tones.
Ella: Sweet, with spicy undertones.

Old Spice High Endurance Mountain Rush
Crankster: Slightly musky.
Ella: Heavy reek of rubbing alcohol. Smells slightly sour.

Old Spice High Endurance NASCAR
Crankster: Sweet, with a talc-y smell.
Ella: Smells just like Arctic force.

Old Spice High Endurance Original Scent
Crankster: Cool and clean. Slightly minty.
Ella: Salty, like the ocean.

Old Spice High Endurance Pure Sport
Crankster: Mountain berry Kool Aid mixed with poison.
Ella: Berry notes.

Old Spice Red Zone Pure Sport
Crankster: Cucumber notes. Musky.
Ella: Alcohol mixed with Uncle Ted.
Misanthropster: Too fruity. Hints of musk.

Power Stick (generic)
Crankster: A laundromat.
Ella: Baby powder crossed with a swimming pool.
Misanthropster: Pepper.

Right Guard Extreme Fresh Blast
Crankster: Powdery, with an overbearing scent of industrial cleaner.
Ella: Woodsy. Like a freshly cleaned highway rest area bathroom.

Right Guard Sport Cool
Crankster: Like Pine-Sol mixed with plasticine clay.
Ella: A full bouquet with berry notes

Right Guard Sport Fresh
Crankster: Like a banana covered in Karo syrup and corn starch.
Ella: Woodsy. Like an Italian hostel.

Speed Stick Active Fresh
Crankster: Like Pine Sol.
Ella: Like disinfectant in the wilderness.

Speed Stick Clean Blast
Crankster: Crushed weeds.
Ella: Tilex mildew remover.
Misanthropster: Ass.

Speed Stick Cool Fusion
Crankster: Powdery.
Ella: Like open air and shaving cream.
Misanthropster: Light and inoffensive.

Speed Stick Fresh Rush
Crankster: Like public bathroom soap crossed with Caldo lotion.
Ella: Like some rubbing alcohol I bought in Italy.
Misanthropster: Like the average men's cologne.

Speed Stick Irish Spring Original
Crankster: Herbal and soapy.
Ella: Minty, like a cut lawn.

Speed Stick Irish Spring Icy Blast
Crankster: Berry notes.
Ella: Very cool, clean, clear, blue. Simple.

Speed Stick Musk
Crankster: Notes of musk and leather.
Ella: Smells like a charming old house.

Speed Stick Ocean Surf
Crankster: Notes of laundry soap and lavender.
Ella: Smells like a Barnes and Noble bookstore.

Speed Stick Regular Scent
Crankster: Like Canoe cologne with lime notes.
Ella: Soapy, powdery, and fruity.

Speed Stick With Aloe
Crankster: Smells like Irish Spring mixed with cucumbers.
Ella: Very fruity. Smells like the cucumber perfume that Victoria's Secret used to carry.
Misanthropster: Cucumbery.