A World Without Anger

I'm sadder than George Allen will be when he finds out that there are minorities in heaven...

When I was in high school, I discovered the wonders of the Weekly World News. For less than a buck, I could guarantee myself a good half-hour of outrageous articles, insane opinion pieces, and the self-proclaimed World's Biggest Crossword. This was a couple of dollars less than Mad magazine, and the writing quality was often comparable. I was hooked.

Every time that I went on a school-sponsored outing or worked on a school play, I, or one of my friends, would pick up a copy of the magazine. We'd pass it around, read portions of it aloud, and loudly discuss the latest outrage. Some of my best high school memories have a copy of the Weekly World News lurking in the background.

The key element, of course, was Ed Anger. His column, called "My America, by Ed Anger," was always good for a laugh, not to mention a well-constructed, if extremely coarse, diatribe. In one, he responded to some racist comments by the Japanese prime minister. Apparently, the PM had noted that American workers were lazy, and seemed to suggest that the cause might be the lower quality genetic stock of the United States. Ed, of course, responded to this with pure, concentrated bile. I remember one phrase in particular; Ed was commenting on America's racial diversity, which he argued was responsible for our cultural superiority. He concluded by stating that "In America, we even have japs. Except our japs are better than japanese japs because our japs are american. American japs know how to listen to different cultures and learn from them."

Pure genius.

Once you get past Ed's excessive, enthusiastic use of the term "japs," there's a pretty strong, liberal point. Therein lay the power of Ed Anger: he would take a fairly liberal positions, express it in ways that would make Phyllis Schafly blanch, and polish it off with a strong dose of humor. He deliberately ticked off as many people as possible, while simultaneously giving every member of his audience something to feel good about. It was pure brilliance.

Approximately a month ago, I was feeling nostalgic, so I bought a copy of the the Weekly World News. I had high hopes: it prominently featured an article about redneck aliens taking over a trailer park, and promised an interview with "Omaha Bin Laden," Osama's cowboy relative. I couldn't wait to get home, so I started reading the trailer park article in the car--I wanted to see if it was located near my house (I have some suspicions about my neighbors). Unfortunately, it's located in "Rebel Valley" South Carolina.

Rebel Valley? That didn't sound like a real place. This was only the first of many disappointments. One annoyance is that the price has gone up to $2.99 per issue, which seemed a little steep to me. Second, unlike the pseudo-sincere Weekly World News of my youth, the articles in this one were clearly tongue-in-cheek. I couldn't tell if the authors were laughing at their audience, or were parodying the the Weekly World News of yesteryear. Regardless, they weren't particularly funny.

The saddest point came when I read "My America." The article discussed the fact that some sports teams are apparently holding "faith days," in which they pass out religious bobblehead dolls. In a calm, steady voice, the author criticized these teams for failing to recognize the boundaries between politics and religion. Granted, this was exactly the kind of topic that Ed would have loved on, but he would have been a bit more outspoken. The author of this article, who was purportedly Ed, was far more reasonable and tasteful.

This bugged me so much that I googled Ed Anger, fully expecting to find out that he'd had a stroke and was no longer his old self. The truth was even sadder. I found out that Eddie Clontz, a former high school dropout and scallop fisherman, who had taken over editorship of the the Weekly World News in 1981, and had made it the three ring circus that entertained me so much as a kid, had died on January 26, 2004 at the age of 56. This explained the lowered quality of the News; it also explained the kinder, gentler Ed. Under the pseudonym "Ed Anger," Clontz had written some of my favorite diatribes. Here's his obituary, courtesy of The Economist. You should check it out, as Clontz is one of those people who definitely led a life worth living.

Maybe his legacy isn't notable for its journalistic integrity, but I can't help feeling that the world's a little less enjoyable without Eddie Clontz in it. One thing's for certain--Ed Anger's take on the midterm elections would have been entertaining.