Monday, October 01, 2007

Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I don't really know how to discuss Breast Cancer Awareness. I strongly believe in fighting breast cancer, funding research, offering free or reduced-cost mammograms, and so forth, but I can't really get on the "Support Breast Cancer" bandwagon. I think it's because of the confusing structure. After all, I don't support breast cancer. Quite the opposite, really. In fact, it would be far more accurate to say that I despise breast cancer. Yet, somehow, my "Fuck Breast Cancer" campaign never really got off the ground. I guess it gave people the wrong idea.

Inappropriateness aside, I just wanted to give a little shout out to the breast. While I don't have breasts (at least not since I've started doing push-ups), I have always been a big fan of mammalian protuberances. From the time I was born to the present day, breasts have fed me, cuddled me, excited me, inspired me, and filled my life with wonder and delight. I am, in the idiom of our day, a breast man.

I discussed this with one of my friends, who's taking an obscenely long walk in honor of breast cancer awareness. She told me that, in order to increase male concern about breast cancer, she tells her male friends that they can get breast cancer too.

This seems disingenuous to me. Granted, some men can get breast cancer, but the number is statistically insignificant. Moreover, this argument is pretty cynical, as it assumes that men will only get involved in a cause if they feel that it personally affects them. By this logic, I should probably be more interested in Prostate Cancer Awareness Month, which was in September. After all, while there is little to no chance of a man getting breast cancer, prostate cancer is a real threat to the vaginally-challenged among us.

To be honest, though, I find it hard to get behind the prostate. Make of that what you will.

More to the point, it's not easy to find the hook in Prostate Awareness Month. The best thing I was able to come up with was "Prostate Cancer: Don't it make your brown eye blue?" For some reason, I don't think this is likely to inspire anyone.

Breasts, on the other hand, are pretty damn compelling, and I've often wondered why the Breast Cancer Awareness people are so loath to target the male fascination with those two (or one, or three) transcendent spheres. I guess the idea is that prurient, drooling, mindless appreciation of the breast is somehow sleazy. This argument is based in the notion that breasts are for feeding children, not for attracting men, and that men who are drawn to breasts are, therefore, infantile. Of course, this line of reasoning falls apart whenever one visits a Victoria's Secret. Are you going to tell me that the "Miracle Bra" is designed to capture that huge infant demographic that's pumping money into the economy?

Of course, one need not even visit a mall or scan the soft-core underwear pages in the Sears catalog to see the silliness in the child-feeding argument. After all, if you've ever met a well-endowed woman who was incapable of breast feeding, or a small-chested woman who was able to satiate her child, then you already know that breast size has fuck-all to do with feeding kids.

And if you're wondering what breasts are designed for, may I humbly direct you back to the aforementioned Victoria's Secret?

In Notting Hill, Julia Roberts' character more or less reiterates this entire argument when she says "What is it about men and nudity? Particularly breasts--how can you be so interested in them...I mean, they're just breasts. Every second person in the world has got them...they're odd-looking. They're for milk. Your mom's got them. You must have seen a thousand of them...what's the fuss about?"

Of course, she's saying this to a man who is clearly enthralled by her breasts. In case you missed the subtext, this is like a guy with a Corvette saying to a drooling admirer "What? It's just a car! Everybody has one!"

Anyway, this is my nod to National Breast Cancer Awareness month, to my Grandmother Viola and my Mother-in-Law (both of whom survived breast cancer), and to all the breasts that have made my life so much more enjoyable. I'd also like to give a little shout-out to another breast cancer survivor: Ann Jillian, one of my favorite actresses when I was a kid. I'd like to ask all my mammarily-enhanced friends to do what they need to do to preserve their breasts. PLEASE get a mammogram, inspect yourself regularly, and generally do your part to preserve one of humanity's greatest natural resources. And, to all my fellow breast admirers, I want to advise you to get your lazy asses off the sidelines. Take a walk for breast cancer awareness, or at least donate some money to a friend who's doing so. Encourage your wife, girlfriend, or a random stranger to get a mammogram. Offer to help out with breast inspections. Buy the t-shirt pictured above. In the name of everything holy, GET INVOLVED!!

On behalf of all the breast men, I thank you.

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  • "PLEASE get a mammagram..."

    Corny the Crazy Cracker strikes again!

    In all seriousness, though, hooray for boobies.

    By Blogger tokenscot, At October 2, 2007 at 4:37 PM  

  • Wow, you got me.

    I cleaned up the spelling.

    Damn, I must be off my game.

    By Blogger Crankster, At October 2, 2007 at 4:48 PM  

  • Not at all, I actually had a good laugh to myself about all the various meanings of "Fuck Breast Cancer." :) Glad to see you back.

    By Blogger tokenscot, At October 2, 2007 at 5:11 PM  

  • Thanks for making an important topic into a good read. I'm ordering a 2nd base shirt tonight. Hopefully, it will inspire some assistance with the next self examination....

    By Blogger JamieSmitten, At October 2, 2007 at 11:19 PM  

  • And I TOTALLY love Ann Jillian too! "It's a Living" waitress outfits have inspired many halloween costumes.

    By Blogger JamieSmitten, At October 2, 2007 at 11:23 PM  

  • Judy goes in for her mammagram at 10:00 am. *We* take it seriously. Thanks for the well written piece!

    By Blogger The CEO, At October 3, 2007 at 12:47 AM  

  • "I find it hard to get behind the prostate"

    I used to feel the same way, but it's amazing what a bottle of lube and a book on Tantric prostate massage can do.

    As to breasts, did you ever see that viral with the pole dancer who strips off to reveal only one breast? It cleverly played on exactly the idea that breasts are fun and lovely and we should all care about them.


    By Blogger Glamourpuss, At October 3, 2007 at 5:47 AM  

  • I have to disagree with you on the idea that push-ups will diminish breasts. Not because spot reduction doesn't work, but in all honesty, if anything, doing push-ups should just make you more defined and perky, with the added advantage of being able to "make them dance." So you shouldn't have saggy-man-breasts, then, but in all honesty you've likely replaced them with a nice set of tits (or man-tits, to be politically correct). Don't sell yourself short about that, when those are well-developed, a low-cut shirt and a boss who got really into Disclosure is your key to the top!

    By Blogger College Stud(ent), At October 3, 2007 at 9:47 AM  

  • Very important topic. As a person with breasts,I appreciate your support.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At October 3, 2007 at 2:31 PM  

  • I will totally wear a "Fuck Breast Cancer" T-shirt, Crankster!! Without hesitation.

    I was planning to do the Maryland Race for the Cure, but I'll be in Texas that weekend.

    I will get involved somehow though.

    Save the Tatas!!!! Fuck Breast Cancer!!!

    By Blogger Lex, At October 3, 2007 at 8:51 PM  

  • I was reminded of this movie "idiocracy" in which a regular man is transported 500 years into a future of half-wits, finding himself the smartest man in the world.

    I imagine the "Fuck Breast Cancer" campaign would be televised in such a world!

    But it's not a bad idea. I like the guy that painted the bridge pink and got arrested and then let off....

    By Blogger M@, At October 4, 2007 at 2:15 PM  

  • My favorite bumper sticker on the subject: a little pink ribbon with the slogan, "Save the ta tas". For my part I'm participating in a sister study (google it) for women who have never had breast cancer but have a sister who does, a catagory I fall into. I'm also doing the 10K on Oct 13, and although I have no idea how my sweating is going to make a difference in the statistics, I lve to run. My mammogram is up to date and my husband, although he hates running, is more than happy to remind me of those monthly exams.

    By Blogger Spellbound, At October 6, 2007 at 10:52 AM  

  • Tokenscot-
    I'll try to keep up with the posting!

    It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who remembers Ann Jillian. Jennifer Slept Here was my favorite TV show for the season that it was on, and I often wished that an incredibly hot ghost occupied my house.

    Please give Judy my best!

    I haven't seen the vid yet, but I'll YouTube it. Thanks for the head's up.

    Regarding the prostate, I don't have enough joints in my hand, and I'm not sure I want my wife playing Turkish Customs Inspector.

    College Stud(ent)-
    I originally wrote that I've also gotten off drinking whole cream, but I didn't want to make anyone yack. Thanks for the advice, though.

    Reflecting Pool-
    I'm happy to do my part.

    Maybe I need to whip something up on Cafe Press.

    Maybe guerilla art is the way to go. You've got a point, methinks.

    It's nice of your husband to get involved. For that matter, it's nice of you to let him!

    By Blogger Crankster, At October 7, 2007 at 10:04 PM  

  • I have always taken exception to the "Support Breast Cancer" slogan, too. It should say, "Support Breast Cancer RESEARCH."

    That said, my mother and her mother both survived breast cancer, but I do not expect to get it. It is not in my plan at all. I am not interested.

    Thank you for bringing attention to this very important issue, which tends to be ignored unless one is forced to deal with it. We all need such reminders if we intend to keep our nice chi-chis.

    By Blogger heartinsanfrancisco, At October 8, 2007 at 1:32 PM  

  • Hearts:
    I've made an informal survey of euphemisms for ta-tas. Chi-chis is a new one. Thanks!

    By Blogger Crankster, At October 9, 2007 at 3:59 PM  

  • I just got this shirt in the mail today and am now about to go out for a beer just so I can wear it. I love that I can be inappropriate and no one can really give me crap cuz it's for a good cause.

    By Anonymous Franki, At October 18, 2007 at 6:45 PM  

  • Franki-
    Pictures, please.

    They're for a good cause, too.

    By Blogger Crankster, At October 23, 2007 at 5:52 PM  

  • Just a note to say that FOX News had this shirt up for discussion. They had BIG problems with it. Talking with Franki last weekend we decided Fox is for breast cancer. They suck.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At October 28, 2007 at 8:38 PM  

  • Pool-
    Somehow, I always knew that Fox was pro-breast cancer. Bastards.

    By Blogger Crankster, At November 8, 2007 at 2:17 PM  

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