Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Waking Up

As far as I'm concerned, my most irritating habit is my inability to get up in the morning. Admittedly, others might disagree.

At any rate, I've struggled for years with this problem, and have tried a wide variety of solutions, including putting the alarm clock in another room (I slept through it), using a wind-up alarm clock (I couldn't get to sleep because of the ticking), and using a zen alarm clock that woke me with a soft gong (actually, the gong was too soft; I was able to lie in bed, relaxing to it, for hours). Finally, I hit upon the perfect solution: I got married. Now, if I hesitate too long in turning off my alarm, my wife threatens my life, plants her cold feet in the middle of my back, or gives me a searing guilt trip. This, combined with the placement of my alarm clock (halfway across the bedroom) and the station I have it set to (irritating country) usually gets me right out of bed.

Unless, of course, my wife is in New York, in which case all bets are off.

Having talked to friends about this problem, I've discovered that we all have very different mechanisms for sleeping in. Some people are just heavy sleepers, while other people hit the snooze like it's a morphine drip, and still others actually enjoy their alarms. Personally, my problem is over-reliance on the snooze coupled with a tendency toward philosophical thought. In a nutshell, I either hit the snooze button too many times or I start thinking about the song that's supposed to be waking me up.

As I mentioned earlier, I have my clock radio set to a twangy, maudlin country-music station. The combination of bottleneck guitars, rough-hewn voices, and conservative lyrics is usually enough to hurl me out of bed. This morning, however, I got philosophical.

Bad mistake.

The band was Heartland. The song? "I Loved Her First." Here's the video:

If that takes too long to load up, here are the lyrics.

Admittedly, the video made me a little misty. The whole thing about fairy tales and tucking in is sweet, and since I'm a little fairy tale and tucking-in deprived right now, well, it just got to me, okay. Really, men are allowed to cry.

But as for the rest of it, doesn't this song sound like something that Ducky would say to Blane in Pretty in Pink? Think about it:

I was enough for her not long ago
I was her number one
She told me so
And she still means the world to me
Just so you know
So be careful when you hold my girl
Time changes everything
Life must go on
And I'm not gonna stand in your way

These are not the words of a father; they sound like something a jilted lover would say. "I'm not gonna stand in your way"? Jesus! Take a step back, Joe Simpson. From previous experience, I know how hard it is when your child discovers that you're not omnipotent. In fact, I've already taken steps to ensure that George will remain blissfully in the dark until at least her mid-thirties. However, "I was her number one/she told me so" is eerily reminiscent of the "I'm really good at french kissing. My daddy says so." line from National Lampoon's Vacation.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of mentioning this to my wife, who assures me that it's already on the playlist for my daughter's wedding. Hopefully, the wife will forget.

In the meantime, I now know which song is number one on the Purity Ball hit parade.

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  • That last photograph is just so, so wrong...


    By Blogger Glamourpuss, At February 28, 2007 at 8:40 AM  

  • Crunk rap songs on the radio sometimes throw me with the police sirens, if I'm driving.

    The mere sound of an alarm clock, having owned many in my lifetime, causes me to feel a peal of anxiety no matter what time of day.

    By Blogger Matt, At February 28, 2007 at 10:54 AM  

  • Awww that song got to me too!

    By Blogger Odat, At February 28, 2007 at 11:48 AM  

  • Puss-
    You can almost hear Ashlee Simpson's thoughts:

    "Ummm...daddee? Ummmm....why are you staring at my boobs?"

    Very, very creepy!

    For some reason, it just doesn't work on me.

    Sadness and creepiness are running hand in hand through the hallways of my heart!

    By Blogger Crankster, At February 28, 2007 at 4:07 PM  

  • where you adopted and had a twin? If so I think hes sleeping in my bed!

    By Blogger Judith, At February 28, 2007 at 4:31 PM  

  • I hate alarm clocks and use only as a last resort. I used to have an alarm clock that took a serious toll on got to the point I'd wake right before it went off...heart pounding so I could turn it off!

    For that song..yeah, it creeps me out. ew...

    By Blogger Claudia, At February 28, 2007 at 6:00 PM  

  • Judith-
    Which part convinced you of our genetic connection? The not waking up or the hating that song?

    Oh, if only I get there! Believe it or not, I envy you your illness!

    By Blogger Crankster, At February 28, 2007 at 7:04 PM  

  • Ummmm, yes. That song = creepy. Joe Simpson creepy. Ironically, a friend of mine danced with her dad at her reception to this song. I'm pretty sure there was a Purity Ball in her past.

    By Blogger WanderingGirl, At February 28, 2007 at 8:43 PM  

  • both. You dont happen to sleep like a starfish or in a diagnol position either do you?

    By Blogger Judith, At March 1, 2007 at 3:58 AM  

  • was a horrible way to start the day-totally stressed out! Now I have a kitty that at 6:30 will lay next to my head, facing me and "meow?" if I don't respond, she reaches in with the paw and nudges's so much better than an alarm!

    By Blogger Claudia, At March 1, 2007 at 10:26 AM  

  • Country music...shudder

    My boyfriend hits the snooze; it makes me want to employ the cold-feet-shove technique, especially if I get to sleep in later on that particular morning.

    By Blogger monicker, At March 1, 2007 at 11:41 AM  

  • I'm diagnosing that you have sleep apnea and a case of low blood sugar in the morning. Have a snack before you go to bed, and have a sleep study done.

    By Blogger The CEO, At March 1, 2007 at 1:09 PM  

  • Wanderinggirl-
    Thanks for confirming my suspicions!

    Actually, you'd have to ask my wife. I think that I am an insanely polite sleeper, taking up only the space that is justly mine. She, however, might agree, sheet-stealing menace that she is.

    Unfortunately, I can't use the same method. My cat really likes to play at 3:30 in the morning. Unfortunately, the only game that I'm interested in at that time is "fling the cat!"

    To make it even more unfair, I am capable of falling asleep really easily and could probably sleep through a nuclear war.

    Thank you for the advice. I've always assumed that it's just laziness on my part.

    By Blogger Crankster, At March 1, 2007 at 2:51 PM  

  • That last pic is a father and daughter!??? That's....oooky.

    By Blogger Lee, At March 1, 2007 at 4:57 PM  

  • You should check out this alarm clock:
    My problem is that no matter how far away I set my alarm, I'll just wake up, snooze it, and move it closer to me for the next time. And despite knowing this is a terrible idea, I seem to convince myself every morning that I'm almost awake and it won't be a problem this time. It almost always turns out badly for me.

    By Blogger Will, At March 1, 2007 at 10:05 PM  

  • Lee-
    Not "ooky" in the cool, "Addams Family" way. "Ooky" in the "Dude, that's your daughter's boobs you're ogling, ya sick bastard!" way.

    What a fantastic invention. Why do I see my wife using it to beat me to death?

    By Blogger Crankster, At March 1, 2007 at 10:17 PM  

  • Ewwwww. That picture is not right. It just isn't.

    My cat wakes me up a little earlier every day. She stomps back and forth in my hair, yanking it, screeches in my ear, and if that doesn't work, she rattles the handle of an antique trunk next to the bed. If possible, she knocks a plant or two over, which always gets results.

    I haven't used an alarm clock in years.

    By Blogger heartinsanfrancisco, At March 2, 2007 at 11:28 PM  

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