Horribly Offensive Party

WARNING: This blog post contains humor of a scatological and sophomoric nature. Before you proceed any further, you should be aware that a strong stomach and a well-developed sense of irony are prerequisites for this particular account. On the other hand, there are LOTS of fun pictures.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I like to throw birthday parties for myself. Every year, I celebrate my nativity by cooking an awful lot of some obscure cuisine for my nearest and dearest. This gives me the opportunity to share the wonder of me, while simultaneously letting the people in my life know that their existence makes mine a little more meaningful.

My friend Tom always helps out. He selflessly spends hours preparing food, kicks in for the cost of the groceries, and helps me clear out all that obnoxious beer that keeps filling up my fridge. This year, Tom decided to adopt my course of action and celebrate his own birthday. However, Tom's focus is not on obscure cuisine; he prefers delicious food that looks like other things.

And so, "Tom Kippur, the Horribly Offensive Party" was born.

Eager to celebrate the wonder of Tom, and tempted by the possibility that his fridge, like mine, might be infested with the dread "bottled beer" parasite, I kicked in. Tom and Dani, his girlfriend, set out to define the boundaries of bad taste with good food. I think they succeeded. All of the following pictures were taken by Manu, our amazing Sri Lankan/West Virginian friend.

The first theme was "politically offensive," so they offered "Pol Pot Pies":

Celebrating the brutal leader of the Khmer Rouge, these tasty treats offered chicken, sodium, and a commemoration of the man who masterminded the destruction of a country and the deaths of millions of Cambodians.

In a nod to the wonders of Alexander Solzhenitsyn, Tom also offered "Goulash Archipelago," a Hungarian-spiced tribute to Soviet literature and the most advanced prison-camp system ever developed:

Although the Creme Fraiche and chives were not, actually, part of the goulash, they were delicious garnishes that gave shape to the "archipelago." And, of course, they looked cute in their little bowls.

Finally, lest World War II-era ethnic slurs be underrepresented, Tom tossed in "Nips in Rice Paddies." Inspired by the Japanese flag, these morsels featured rice pudding and caramel nips:

As you can see, the "Nips and Rice Paddies" are in front of my personal favorite, the "Dirty Diapers," aka croissants with Nutella spread. My contribution was a little more scatological. In addition to the diapers, it included the "sausagefest Charcuterie plate":

The "sausage" on the left is Sopressata, which I like to call "Italian Crack." It is, simply, an incredibly delicious sausage. The "pubes" are constructed out of sauteed onions. The sausage on the right is made from braunschweiger, a german pate, garnished with shredded lettuce. Both sausages feature Sicilian meatball "testicles." We also offered a blutwurst penis, which was garnished with sauerkraut and the ubiquitous Sicilian meatballs:

Although some people liked it, I found the flavor of the blutwurst to be as disturbing as its looks. It tasted like iron and week-old refried beans.

Lest the female genitalia be underrepresented, there were also "Pink Tacos," available in "meaty" and "vagitarian":

We also offered "Fur Pie," which was filled with strawberries in a balsamic-port wine reduction and garnished with grated dark chocolate:

As you can see, this was our first attempt with creating a chocolate "bush," and it was a little off kilter.

For those who preferred their fur pie sans garnish, we offered a "shorn" version. This one featured whipped cream:

For the fan of seafood, Tom also offered calimari "condoms" stuffed with horseradish sauce:

As we had a few leftover meatballs, we were able to offer "Overstuffed Diaper, Sicilian Style":

The final theme was religious humor. As Tom was raised Catholic, there were "Filipinos at Easter," a tribute to gingerbread and religious dedication:

Dani, on the other hand, was raised Jewish, hence the beautiful "Jewish Princess Cake" that she prepared:

As you can see, "Bergdorf's Barbie" is perfectly accessorized, and is ready for a night on the town.

All in all, we celebrated Tom's birthday with joy and delight, and a wonderful time was had by all. Once again, many thanks to Manu for memorializing this wonderful occasion.