Oh Piper, Where Art Thou?

The first time I heard her name, I thought that the Piper aircraft company had come out with a new, improved plane.

Or maybe, I thought, it was one of those places where the U.S. has a large military presence. Some place like Diego Garcia, one of those places that only soldiers and geeks like Tom Clancy can find on a map. I could just imagine some nameless general reporting to Jack Ryan: "Mr. President, we've scrambled a squadron of fighters. They're pulling out of Piper Perabo within the hour."

There was no way that "Piper Perabo" was a name. I'm open-minded and all, but enough is enough. Anyway, when I saw her in Coyote Ugly, I felt a strange, unexplainable attraction. Later, when I watched The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, I understood.

Piper Perabo lookes exactly like Bugs Bunny in drag. With smaller ears.

Although I knew that my attraction to Ms. Perabo was residual confusion resulting from early Looney Tunes exposure, I didn't care. With her big front teeth, she gnawed away at my heart. I was in love.

Then Piper disappeared. That was six years ago, and I have seen neither hide nor hare of her since. Of course, nobody can really disappear in the era of the internet. I looked up Piper on IMDB and discovered, much to my surprise, that she has been making movies over the last few years. I just haven't seen them. Then again, from what I've heard, nobody saw Cheaper By the Dozen 2.

This led me to think about the other actresses that I've loved and lost. I have, I admit, a weak spot for lesser-known female leads. People like Julie Warner, Nancy McKeon, and Samantha Mathis. I decided to look a couple of them up. Here are the results.

Julie Warner, who really nailed the Jeaneane Garofalo "tough girl with tender feelings" role in Doc Hollywood followed with a similar role a few years later in Tommy Boy. I noticed her because she reminded me of all the Catholic girls I went to school with. She was cute, had a sense of humor, and looked like she could kick my ass. Aah, Catholic school...where I learned to associate fear and submission with sex...

Anyway, Julie Warner went on to do a lot of TV. Pity...

Nancy McKeon's big role was as Jo on The Facts of Life. Sometimes I feel like this show was some sort of Rohrshak test. Were you attracted to the sassy, playful Tootie? The warm and sexually desperate Natalie? The shallow, self-absorbed, boy-crazy Blair? Or Jo, the one voted most likely to end up in San Francisco with a house full of cats? God help me, I was drawn to the babydike...

Again, like Julie Warner, Nancy McKeon went on to do a lot of TV.

And we finally come to Samantha Mathis. Okay, it's time for a painful admission...I was completely addicted to Pump Up the Volume. I saw it in the theater. Twice. I wore out the videocassette. Twice. Part of this, I must point out, was Samantha Mathis' performance as Nora Diniro. By turns seductive and dominant, she was like a really sexy Lady Macbeth. With great breasts. Anyway, I started watching for her, which led me to see The Thing Called Love, How to Make an American Quilt, Little Women, and, yes, Super Mario Brothers. Painful admissions...

Anyway, she ended up doing...you guessed it...a lot of TV.

So there you are. I've learned a lot more about myself than I really wanted to know. Clearly, I need to watch more TV.