Sunday, September 24, 2006

Brain Confetti

Okay, I realize this is a little bit cheesy, but I've got a lot of little snippets bouncing around inside my head, and I want to get them out. So here they are...


The other day, I was walking into the mall when I saw a sign that said "Now Hiring Dicks." Looking closer, I realized that the third word was actually a photograph of a "Dick's Sporting Goods" sign. Still, I was impressed at the truth in advertising.


I found out recently that Hilary Duff now has a perfume. First of all, I was surprised to discover that Hilary Duff was a real person. I thought she was a fictional character, like the Olson twins or Lindsay Lohan. After I got over my initial surprise, I wondered who would want to smell like Hilary Duff. I imagine that she is surrounded by the scent of Cherry Lip Smackers and FDS.

Of course, she's only following a trend of celebrity perfumes. Again, though, I have to wonder who buys these things. For example, Carlos Santana has a cologne. I imagine that Carlos Santana smells like a mixture of sardines, cigars, and frijoles refritos.

Or how about Sean "Puffy, Puff Daddy, P-Diddy" John Combs? Is it legal to use coke as a fragrance element?

Paris Hilton, with the refreshing scent of vomit, nonoxynol-9, and syphilis.

Michael Jordan, redolent of sweat and liniment.

Shania Twain--I dunno, what does her brother smell like?

My wife assures me that Brittany Spears' perfumes are outstanding. However, I can't get over their connection to Mrs. Federline. I keep thinking, "I guess that's what mentally retarded, inbred, gives-the-South-a-bad-name" smells like. In a related note, I kind of wish that R. Kelly had a cologne. I think it would smell like candy.


My wife is a magazine junkie--she probably reads ten different magazines every month. In In Style, she found an interesting letter. A reader in Portland, Maine, asked where Reese Witherspoon got a particular necklace. The response included the following: "On her visit to New Orleans to raise awareness about children coping with the effects of Hurricane Katrina, Witherspoon wore a pendant from jewelry designer Me & Ro. Her gold medallion, set with 12 diamonds, represents the mirror of karma [sic], a Buddhist symbol of self-reflection." The article went on to report that the pendant costs $2,610.

Okay, I've got a couple of requests here. First of all, could jewelry designers refrain from referencing Buddhism when making expensive, diamond-laden necklaces? It just seems a bit too ironic. The same goes for wearing expensive symbols of "self-reflection" while visiting homeless children.

Is it me?


Okay, one last thought. Earlier today, I saw a guy wearing a t-shirt that said "If the music's too loud, THEN YOU'RE TOO OLD!" My initial thought was one of nostalgia. I seem to remember similar feelings being expressed by baby boomer nimrods when I was a kid. It was strange to see the same sentiments being worn by some kid who could easily be the child of a boomer.

As I thought about it further, I realized what the t-shirt really meant. It meant that if I find myself stuck at a street light and my car is trying to shake itself apart because some ass-master three lanes over wants to hear the bassline from "Baby Got Back" on a sub-molecular level, then...well...I'm too old.

I immediately started thinking of more honest t-shirts. Then again, I imagine that a shirt reading "If the music's too loud, THEN I'M AN INCONSIDERATE DOUCHEBAG" probably wouldn't be too popular.


  • UGH! I hate the bass thumpers so much. I play my showtunes loud (and proud!) but I refuse to believe that Les Miz ever caused someones car to shake three lanes over.

    By Anonymous Joey, At September 25, 2006 at 12:29 PM  

  • One day I was driving some family members around Richmond and playing some a mix CD of my grandfather's favorite songs. A bass thumper pulled up, so I cranked the Andrews Sisters to drown him out. Two funny things--the bass thumpers expression, and my sister's humiliated boyfriend crouching down.

    By Blogger Crankster, At September 25, 2006 at 12:45 PM  

  • No... referencing "Baby Got Back" would make you too old. :-P

    - Ian

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At November 29, 2006 at 6:56 PM  

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