Wanted Dead or Alive

This morning, as I was taking a walk, I thought of the crimes that I (and, by extension, my penis) have been accused of. I imagined my dick on trial. I wondered if his defense attorney would call me to the stand. On the one hand, I would be the perfect witness; I was there when every crime, both real and imagined, was committed. On the other hand, I would have to be honest about all matters and, frankly, my dick has sometimes acted...irresponsibly.

I imagined the wanted poster:

WANTED FOR ASSORTED CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY

NAME: My Dick.

KNOWN ALIASES: The Pork Ninja; Karl Rove; The Crankster's Crank; Mordor, Destroyer of Worlds (My dick played a little Dungeons and Dragons back in the early 1980's).

HEIGHT: Between four and seven and eleven sixteenths inches, depending upon the situation. Less in cold weather. Occasionally more.

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION: Bears a startling resemblance to Karl Rove. To be more specific, looks like Karl Rove after a brisk run, wearing a magenta Darth Vader helmet.

LAST SEEN: The Pork Ninja, as he likes to be called, is rarely seen in public. He does his best work undercover.

CHARISMA: +30 (Okay, I played a little D&D, too).

At this time, in the interests of clearing the air, I would like to admit to all the crimes, real or imagined, that my dick has committed. At the same time, I will also address all the crimes that he has been accused of but has not committed. I can only hope that my example will inspire others and that mankind, as a whole, can take this as a step toward a more honest and self-reflective future.

Plus, it's a really good opportunity for some immature puns and double entendres.

LIST OF CRIMES FOR WHICH MY DICK IS RESPONSIBLE

1. My relationship with Holly R.
My dick holds all responsibility for this relationship. He led me into it, and worked overtime to keep it going far past its expiration date. In fact, if that Navy SEAL hadn't proposed to Holly, my dick might still be at it, and I'd be pretty miserable. While we're at it, my dick is also mostly responsible for my relationships with Jean M., Jenny K., and Sarah M.

2. The end of my friendship with Cecile C.
On the other hand, was our friendship really that strong if a dick could come between us? Still, the responsibility for this one rests firmly upon my dick.

3. Thousands of wasted hours
No, I'm not talking about that. That's point four. I'm talking about all the time I spent fast-forwarding and rewinding movies in search of a little side-boob.

4. The incredible strength in my right arm
Okay, that was a lot of wasted time, too.

5. Some nights that I don't want to remember
Truth be told, I'm pretty socially retarded. However, my dick is determined, and hung in there until I was too drunk to resist.

6. Some really awkward mornings
Does this really require further explanation?

7. Genocide
If we assume that: 1) every potential child has a right to exist, 2) that every spermatozoa is a potential child, and 3) that there are roughly one million spermatozoa per ejaculation, then my dick makes Josef Stalin look like a pansy. Daily. Incidentally, if we are to consider every ejaculation to be only one potential child, then my dick's numbers drop to Asian typhoon levels. Either way you look at it, though, he's a mass-murderer.

Okay, that's about it. Now let's consider the crimes that he didn't commit:

1. My relationship with Angela H.
My dick tried to wave me off, but I dove in anyway. I generally console myself by claiming that it was a "learning experience." The same goes for that girl in the Kroger Deli.

2. George Bush's second term
The resemblance to Karl Rove is only physical--my dick votes a straight Democrat ticket. In fact, unlike a lot of other dicks, he was not suckered in by Ralph Nader. Neither was I; after all, it doesn't really take a dick to recognize an asshole.

3. World Hunger
My dick's more of a giver than a taker.

4. The fact that women make 30% less than men
Okay, this is definitely not my dick's fault. In fact, my dick and I make well under $40,000, which is a lot less than most pussies with a comparable level of education.

5. Racial inequities
My dick didn't start slavery; that was the Dutch, a whole other group of dicks. For that matter, my relatives (and their dicks) fought for the North in the Civil War. My father, and his dick, marched on Washington in the 1960's. My dick and I resent being held responsible for this particular problem.

My dick was also partially responsible for the creation of my daughter, but I don't know if that counts as a crime or not. On the one hand, she's cute; on the other hand, she kept my wife and I up until 2 AM yesterday. The jury's still out.

So there you have it. My dick has commited more crimes than John Paul II's and fewer crimes than Errol Flynn's. But, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask that you consider all the good things that dicks have done. Every single one of us owes our existence, at least partially, to a dick. Besides, dicks have kept Tara Reid off welfare.

And for all those who blame my dick for the ills of the world, I have just one thing to say:

Step back; you're standing on my dick.