Tuesday, September 05, 2006

In Case of Rapture, Don't Forget to Log Out!

In the course of researching the Abby Cadabby post, I came across a reference to the "Rapture Ready Message Board." Apparently, some religious folks were ticked off, not because Abby's girly, but because her magical powers supposedly suggest witchcraft.

I don't really want to comment on that little morsel of stupidity, but I can't help myself; sometimes I have to seize the low-hanging fruit. For all the people out there who think that little kids are learning about witchcraft from Harry Potter and Sesame Street, let's ask one itty bitty question: what kind of idiot would try to learn how to sell his or her soul to the horned beast of Babylon by watching a show sponsored by letters and numbers? Reasonably speaking, isn't it just as likely that they'd learn about bloodsucking from the guy who teaches them to count?

I'm not going to discount the possibility that there are real-life loons out there who think they are in communion with dark forces from the land of brimstone. All I'm saying is that I'm not too worried about a would-be satanist who's taking his cues from the Children's Television Workshop.

And, while we're on the topic, I'd think that these ultra-Christians would be fans of Harry Potter. Just think of it: squadrons of wannabe witches trying to fly on brooms, jumping off carports and balconies. If only a tenth of them meet their everlasting reward, then that's still hundreds of potential pagans who will never reach maturity. From my (admittedly secular) point of view, this is a handy, completely voluntary way to give the gene pool a little scrubbing. Regardless of your perspective, you have to admit that humanity as a whole benefits from people who slavishly and stupidly follow Harry Potter into that great Quidditch field in the sky. I realize that people whose grasp of Christianity comes from that "Footsteps" story might be a little lacking in critical awareness, but can't we get hold of ourselves here?

Anyway, back to the point at hand. I was delighted to discover the fact that a "Rapture Ready Message Board" exists. I've known for quite some time that there's a lot of fundamentalist Christians on the Internet; in fact, they sponsor a few of my favorite sites, like Sporty Christ, which sells inspirational sports statues; Train Up a Child, which sells Biblical action figures; and (of course) all those hilarious George Bush parody sites. Still, there's something special about the Rapture Ready Message Board.

I guess the key element here is imagining the average patron of the RRMB (as those in the know refer to it). Actually, it's not hard to visualize; truth be told, a quick visit to the local Wal-Mart probably brings me into contact with the selected demographic. The main requirement seems to be a slavish, uncritical willingness to swallow anything spouted out by a brylcreemed, old testament prophet-style, scripture-drooling televangelist. In a stunning example of the site's priorities, it specifically tells the viewer that one spot is "The place where Christians go to chat about various things, including issues related to the Word of God, but not the place for debating the validity of His Word or the translated version one uses." Okay, I can understand their unwillingness to question the validity of the Bible, but why can't users debate their version? Might it have something to do with the immodest proposal that the Bible is open to...interpretation?

Moving on...

My favorite part of the site is the "End Times Chat," which the administrator describes as a "Forum for analysis, commentary and discussion about prophesy and current events that aren't news items." In reality, it seems to be a space for the site users to comment on how the majority of mankind is going to hell at warp speed and how current events prove that we only have a little time left before God decides to shut down the whole game. One recent thread asked if "The Lost are getting LostER." Not "more lost," but "LostER." First off, notice the use of capitalization. The Lost, apparently, are a proper noun, a formalized group. This, of course, leads to a few questions:

Who is in "the Lost"?

Where do "the Lost" meet?

Do you need a recommendation to get into "the Lost," or is it open enrollment?

Why wasn't I invited to join "the Lost"?

Another thing the whole "The Lost are getting LostER" thread makes me wonder is why God apparently hates properly constructed modifiers. Does Satan get royalties every time we use the word "more," or is poor grammar just more Christian? While we're on the topic, it's worth noting again that the Biblical action figure site is called "Train Up a Child." Apparently, trainin' a child up don't involve teachin' him to write correctly. Then again, the Bible don't say nothin' about book learnin'.

Who needs grammar check when you've got faith?

I guess that, for me, the kicker is imagining Phil the Pharisee or Irene the Inquisitor sitting at home, in front of the huge velvet painting of Jesus, watching Fox News and looking for proof that God's running down the curtain. With mere days left before the grand finale, do Phil and Irene run out to experience as much of God's creation as possible? Do they sell the house, give the money to the poor, and go to work in a soup kitchen? Do they spend their final moments gathering two of each animal or trying to find ten righteous men? No, their last hours are spent online, bitching about the Lost and whether or not a puppet with a wand will lead people into hell.

I'm not sure this is what God had in mind.


  • "Another thing the whole "The Lost are getting LostER" thread makes me wonder is why God apparently hates properly constructed modifiers."

    OK, so THAT made my day. Thanks. :)

    Good stuff! Have added you to my favorites file called "essential blogs."

    P.S. I love your wife.

    By Blogger staceyfish, At September 6, 2006 at 10:17 AM  

  • Staceyfish loves your wife. Did she READ the lesbian post? (CBE)

    By Anonymous Jinja, At September 6, 2006 at 4:21 PM  

  • Staceyfish loves your wife. Did she READ the lesbian post? (CBE)

    By Anonymous Jinja, At September 6, 2006 at 4:23 PM  

  • Thanks for putting me on your list! What are some other essential blogs?

    Regarding the whole "loving my wife" thing, it seems like any potential response is fraught with peril, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

    And my eyes open.

    By Blogger Crankster, At September 6, 2006 at 9:22 PM  

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